Happy Birthday!!

Yesterday was not only Valentines day in our home but it was also my baby's birthday. My little Valentine is 3 years old now, where has the time gone? Soon there will be no sign of a baby living in this house as next month we tackle potty training. *sigh* I hope it will go as easily as it did with his 2 big brothers.Then we will be on to our biggest challenge Preschool!! Oh I can feel the anxiety attack coming on but I will be strong and force a smile and allow my baby to become a big boy.

Where'd You Go?

I am full of resentment, bitterness, and anger. I have been struggling with being able to define my feelings, to be able to verbalize this type of unhappiness and anger. I now can explain and define why I am angry and unhappy, I am unhappy because I am a married single mother.

I have a traditional marriage, traditional in Daddy goes to work and Mommy stays home and takes care of the kids and the house. That part I like I don't mind. What bothers me is that the kids totally bypass dad to ask me a question. As if he is not even in the room or the house. What bothers me more is that my husband is not bothered by it and I am not 100% sure he is even aware of it.

I never wanted to be a married single mother I wanted my children to have the type of relationship and household where they felt comfortable going to either parent for comfort, help or advice. My husband works a lot he is the type of man who's joy is in providing a good life for his family. The type of man that defines himself by his work. It is one of the things he is most proud of in himself his work ethic.

He is what I would call a workaholic. He is always checking email, sending emails, taking calls and doing reports at all hours of the day and night. He loves being peoples go to guy, I just wish he had that kind of attitude with me. I wish he could be more of my go to guy. I often hear people say how their spouse is their best friend how they like hanging out with each other. I am not my husbands best friend I am his wife. It bothers me but that is just how it is, we can't be everything to everyone.

I am arguing with myself inside my head trying to understand and find answers as to why I am so unfulfilled in my life. Do I need to find a part time job outside my home to be fulfilled? Do I need to emirs myself in a book or my writing? Should I start knitting again? I don't know I really just don't know it seems as if I can not find happiness in anything and fault or complaint in everything.

I know I'm not depressed I'm just tired of living life like the movie Groundhogs Day. I know my husband can't make me happy only I can make me happy. I am a very codependent person and he is not and has never been. Perhaps I am more jealous than angry. Perhaps I should just get over it and accept my responsibilities without whining. He has his job and I have mine I NEVER hear him complain so why should he have to listen to me? I wonder if my mom ever felt this way? I wonder how many of you reading this blog will comment and say that you have felt the exact same way?

I Can Breath

The house is clean the dog has been bathed and just as I predicted earlier the boys are no longer coughing,sneezing or blowing their stuffy noses. Everyone is feeling 50% better including me!! It was so cute when the boys got home from school I got a "WOW mommy the house looks so shinny and clean." It doesn't get any better than that.

Get A Vacuum!!

I found this image and it's commentary made me laugh. I think dirty people are behind this lifestyle mantra.*grin* I think I will create one that says Unhealthy people was their hands.

So you just know that after reading this I spent the morning cleaning my house. I hadn't been able to vacuum in 2 weeks!! Excuse me while I dry heave over that statement. I am convinced after all the dirt my vacuum picked up that all our coughing and sinus issues will go away. I always get grossed out after vacuuming the house when for what ever reason I haven't done so for the week. It is amazing how much dog hair my darling little chihuahua Walter leaves behind. Walter is very lucky he is so darn cute but above all that he is so gosh darn well behaved.

His Smile Is Gone

My baby is sick, gone is his smile and the sound of his laughter. Replaced by a cough that won't go away and now we are experiencing eruptions from both ends!! You know that is ALWAYS fun. Jumping at every coughing spell trying to be fast enough to catch whatever happens to come flying out. So today I predict he will spend the day in bed watching whatever movie or television show that seems to capture his attention. Occasionally playing with his cars and I will spend the day worrying about him and begging him to eat something and questioning if I am making the right decision.

I panic some when my kids are sick especially if a fever is involved. I know it is all a part of life and most would be annoyed that their child is sick and how that throws a wrench in their day. I stress out not because I won't get things done but in my eyes that I've done something wrong. I was not paying attention, distracted by something unimportant and now because of that lack in care my child is sick.

~*BACK FROM THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE*~

Well I spent 3 and a 1/2 hours at the doctors office trying to get him seen. We ended up going to another doctors office on the other side of town where he was finally seen. He has a horrible virus and is mildly dehydrated. If he gets worse we will need to take him to Children's Hospital for IV and observation. He has had a cough for over a week and a 1/2 and caught this virus on top of the cough. I am so sad for my little guy I hope it doesn't last as long as the doctor predicted it would!!

So I am going to bust out my BIG BOTTLE of Lysol and wash all the bed linens, towels, and laundry. My home is a battlefield and this bug my baby's got is going to DOWN!!

Really?!?!

Today HLN broke a story about an obese women weighing some 300 plus pounds who killed her children's father by sitting on him, she squashed him to death. I am not trying to be humorous this is not a joke apparently he was face down on the couch when she sat on him and well he suffocated and died. What is even more shocking and yes it does get even more shocking is not only the matter in which this man died but the fact that this women only received 3 years probation for killing him!!

This story is just so bizarre and maybe I am morbid in my curiosity but I want to know exactly what he said to her to make her sit on him out of frustration and anger? Do you think her friends and family are scared of her now? Will the state take her children away from her? Can she loose custody of her children over this? Is part of her probation that she has to loose weight so she can never kill someone like this again? How will her children explain their father's death to people? Will she be on Oprah? Who would possibly date her now? Oh there are just so many questions and little to no answers.

As horrible as this may sound I am mildly entertaining by this story. I hope I am not the only person who find this bizarre story mildly entertaining. As I type I am having trouble NOT smirking or giggling. I can't help but imagine her sitting on his back and head with his skinny little arms and legs flailing wildly and her just cursing him out. It's wrong I know but I seriously have never heard of such a thing. I have never heard of a women killing her boyfriend/baby daddy by sitting on him!!

Here Comes The Rain Again.

It's raining it's pouring that old man has got to be snoring because California is sinking!! Someone pull out the stopper and let the water drain out because my 2 year old needs some outdoor time!! My poor little man is missing playing in the dirt with his dump trucks. He is like a humming bird trapped in a shoebox, it's funny when he sits outside on our little dirt hillside with his dump trucks and shovel he is as quiet as a mouse happy as a clam it is as if the dirt puts him into a meditative state.

The weather man says it is going to rain for another 5 days!! Oh what will I do with this little outdoor boy of mine?!?!! I am starting to get a little worried by the wind because it is blowing very hard and has been knocking over very large pepper trees and blocking our roadways. We have even seen some realtor signs knocked over by the wind. As a Southern California native I can tell you we are not used to this type of weather that's why it is the only news being shown on our local news channels. Tough luck Haiti;California is getting rained upon and the Governor has declared it "A STATE OF EMERGENCY".

Yes the Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger or the Govenator as we affectionately call him has answered the call of city officials and declared us a state of emergency because a few months ago we had large wild fires and those burned areas are experiencing mud slides and the people have been evacuated from their homes. Also the rain has brought record snow fall in our local mountains so the emergency in Haiti has taken a back seat in our news reporting. It is Storm Watch 2010 with reporters all over the county reporting on what the rain looks like in that city. Also we are having thunder and lightning storms and the occasional mini tornado's that blow down fences small trees and patio furniture.So I guess we will see you in 5days or so Haiti you and the rest of the world.