Just A Bump

 

Dear Jennifer Garner, 

 

I would like to thank you for the comments you made about your baby bump on the Ellen Show, October 8,2014. I have hated my baby bump for fifteen years. I have tried unsuccessfully to get rid of my baby bump every year since I first got pregnant. I have dreamed of having it surgically removed so that absolutely no trace of a single pregnancy showed. I have felt betrayed by my body and life, as my baby bump is so obviously there and yet it seems like every mother I have ever encountered seemed slimmer than before pregnancy with a flat stretch mark free stomach.  

 

Your words and acceptance of your baby bump helped me realize that it is okay that I have a baby bump. It's okay that I need to wear spanxs with certain dresses. I too have had three kids and there is a bump! I couldn't see the improvement in my body and health because I swore I wasn't slim but fat because of my horrid baby bump. I have worked hard to be healthy I have a beautiful life. I feel like such a fool focusing so much of my energy on hating my bump.

 

A fool for losing my self confidence to such a trivial thing. I'll never have a tight stomach again and I will always be soft in the middle but I will be embarrassed no more. So thank you Mrs.Garner Afflick for helping me see just how pretty a bump could be. 

Make It Happen

So yesterday I guess I was more sick then I originally thought and ended up laying in bed waiting for Jesus to come and take me home. I felt like I had been run over by a truck and if that wasn't bad enough I had to watch my tired husband come home and take care of me and the kids. Ugh!! I hate that!! He works so hard for us and I work so hard to make our home his refuge. A place of relaxation and happiness. I hate not being able to care for my family and honestly it isn't as if he actually minded but I did. 

Today I woke up feeling better although it still feels like I have a hot stone in my stomach, the nausea, body aches, and headache have all but disappeared. Every once in a while I break out in a sweat but my body I think is doing an amazing job at fighting off whatever it is that is afflicting me. I wasn't feeling 100% but there was no way I was going to lay in bed all day so I decided to lace up my running shoes and knock this thing out of my body with a 6.35 mile run. 

I gotta say it felt great to be outside and feel the cool misty air on my skin. I most certainly reached my goal with sweating because I have never come home so drenched in sweat in my entire life. Now everyday when I first wake up the first thing that comes to my mind is my run. I'm excited to get dressed, anxious to start the run, after dropping the kids off at school but when I do drop them off I begin to hear that voice in my head encouraging me not to go on this run. 

It says things like " nah girl, your tired today, you didn't sleep well remember?" Or "hey girl you know what sounds good right now? Cinnamon rolls!! Or donuts!!" I have these arguments and many more in my head and I just put my ear buds in and say to myself I've never regretted a single run, this one will be no different.

I think my daily runs and the daily food choices I make is the reason I am recovering quickly from this bug and why it hasn't been able to completely hit me with all its force. I was down for one evening but could have continued on with the day as if nothing were wrong but I'm glad I took the rest my body needed. I know tomorrow will be better and can't wait to run again. 

 

Yucky

 I am feeling yucky today and I really don't appreciate it. Today the sky is the greyest it has been all week and I am at home instead of enjoying an amazing run. Usually I would just suck it up and complete the run. However it has always been my goal not to be that runner puking in the bushes and today I felt that I may just be that runner. So in listening to my body and not my heart I have decided to err on the side of caution and stay home for an unscheduled rest day. 

I am at a complete loss as to how to occupy myself. I've only been home thirty minutes and am completely bored. I don't feel well but to lay around and do nothing, I'd rather puke on the side of the road!! Ultimately I know my nose will end up in a book as time passes between loads of laundry and bitter comments to my uninterested dog about how no one makes a good feather duster anymore. 

Oh how I despise you unscheduled rest days!! Why couldn't you have come on a horribly sunny day? An ordinary sunny day, all I know is if I feel this way tomorrow... stay away from the bushes. 

YAY!! It's Gray!!

I have had the pleasure these past four days of enjoying my morning run under the canopy of stormy gray clouds. The blood in my veins humming with each mile reached. The crisp air nipping at my skin making me feel the glory of the day. My whole body comes alive on overcast days, my soul, it sings. I am happiest when under a gray sky. I am sure that seems odd as it is usually the sun that people want but for me it's an overcast sky or rainy day.

Perhaps I am getting a small glimpse into the wonderful winter runs I will experience in a few weeks. If only the fall were consistent with its cool gray weather. The sun and will soon regain it's rightful place in the So. Cal sky bringing along with it it's endless blue sky but for now it is nice to reminisce with the gray and enjoy a beautiful rendition of a PNW sky.

This past Saturday my baby boy turned fifteen years old. He is my first born, my first love, and I can't believe he is now fifteen. How quickly the days of Thomas the Train, Blue's Clues and dinosaurs have faded and turned into days of texting with girls, locked bedroom doors, and only wanting to be with his friends. We've all been there I know but it doesn't make the sting of your child growing up any less painful.

Not only do I have to face the realization of my child growing up way too fast, of time not allowing me to put the hourglass on its side once but I am reminded of it twice! As my ten year old happily informs us all daily that his birthday is also this month. I find comfort only in the words my in laws have shared with me, they may not be small but they will always be your children and they will never stop needing you to be their mommy.

So happy 15th birthday to you Peanut!! You are my favorite part of every day.

On Your Mark...Get Set...Go!!

Guess who just signed up for her first ever fun run? That's right this girl right here!! And if that wasn't awesome enough my hubby is doing the fun run with me!! We will be doing the Blacklight Run this February. I am thinking I will be donning a traditional race Tutu and some sort of headband accessory to complete the look. I have wanted to do a fun run for so long and now it is going to be a reality. It has been a goal of mine, a dream, to participate in a 5k fun run.

I hope his race is the first of many for me in 2015. Soon I hope to add a Turkey Trot, a Color Run, Mud Run and a race for Autism Awareness to my racing resume. Eventually working my way toward the Spartan Race. My husband really wants to do a Spartan race and this Blacklght Run could be the start of our bad ass addiction. So in 2015 watch me become an even bigger running fool and hopefully even post photos of my amazing runs in the breathtakingly beautiful PNW. 

You Run How Far?!?

Yesterday I greeted this first day of October with a daily run as I greet everyday. I am often asked how far I run and it is between 5.85 and 6.18 miles, depending on if I want to give myself that extra little push. These numbers usually elicit a gasp and look somewhere between shock and horror. And to be perfectly honest with you it isn't until someone has this reaction to my numbers that it occurs to me that the distance I run some may consider far. I mean it is far don't get me wrong, 5/6 plus miles anywhere is far. It's just to me it is simply a part of my daily routine. I navigate the distance of my run by the landmarks I pass. To me it is really just the route I run the distance truly never occurs to me. 

When we were in a heat wave this summer I was asked by our crossing guard lady after she wished me well on my run if I was going for a short run or a long run? I told her I didn't really know that I wouldn't know until I started my run. Then she asked me how I could possibly run in the heat and humidity. My answer was so honest I left her standing with her mouth agape in the street. I simply responded with this "because my desire to be thin is greater than my common sense." I didn't even think about what I was saying it just sort of fell out of my mouth. It is true to an extent but it isn't the only reason I run.

 I run because I love the solitude, the way you are completely connected with yourself. You are in the moment, living in the moment. Your head is clear, your heart at peace and the earth is alive and breathing and your breathing with it. You become acutely aware of every color, every sent, every living thing you pass. Suddenly you notice the beauty in the birds chirping and calling to each other from tree to tree. You appreciate the way the colors in the trees blend and change creating a new look everyday. The vibrant color of the grass and how it seems to cool your skin with its freshly dampened soil. Mountains stand glorious and tall, the sky always seems to be the bluest of blues I have ever seen, and every stranger I pass acknowledges me with an encouraging nod or smile. 

When I run I am completely connected to God and all his creation and I guess that's why it is so easy for me to forget that 5.85/6.18 is far. 

Challenges vs. Realizations

Today was a day filled with challenges and as I reflect back on my day, I see how very small these moments of difficulty really were. At the time I allowed them to seem large and overwhelming but in reality they were ordinary and small. I went on my daily run and felt so weighed down, sluggish and slow. In reality I finished my run on time, just a few minutes behind my usual finish. I did feel sluggish but I attributed it to consuming so much bread yesterday after not having any bread for a few weeks. Honestly I don't miss bread...much...but...yesterday I could not resist nor do I regret taking down that pumpkin spice muffin at breakfast like a pride of lions on a carabao!!

It was big and glorious, made even more so by my generous helping of butter. I'd do it again without hesitation because that is how a lioness lives, in the moment not letting opportunity pass her by. Today I also made a stink about my oat bran overflowing when I cooked it. Huffing at having to clean up the mess. I found fault in the inconsistency of the weather. Going from cool impressions of fall to Welcome Back Summer!! Jealous of the residents of the PNW and what they were experiencing today. I complained about everything when it was really nothing. I'm embarrassed and ashamed to even write the things I whined about today and there is so much more. 

I didn't give thanks, give praise for the abundant life I live. Usually when I run it is in meditation and praise but not today and it does not escape me that my day was wrong because I put myself first. I focused on myself, on improving my life and not using my life to improve the lives of others. So today was wasted on me and what I perceived to be problems in my life. Tomorrow I will not make the same mistakes.  

Yeah...That Just Happened

So this is my last week on the Cruise Phase of the Dukan diet eating plan and I said that if by Friday I had not reached my goal then I would move on and accept 140lbs as my true weight. I stepped on the scale this morning expecting to see what I've seen this entire past week and BOOM!! 138.8lbs was staring back at me from between my feet.

I stepped on that scale three more times just to see that glorious number again and again. I am now 1.7lbs away from my goal! I am so ecstatic to be in the 30's FINALLY!! Never thought it would happen and just when I had made peace with not ever being in that weight range I hit the mark. I'm excited to see what number will register on Friday.

Feeling Like I Just Can't

Day 20 of the Dukan diet eating plan and 2 weeks on the Cruise phase of the meal plan. I am fluctuating between 140 & 141 pounds. I am 4 pounds away from my goal weight of 136/137 pounds and I can't break into the 30's.

Today I came in at 141 pounds and I have to admit my determination of meeting my goal took a hit. I honestly had to fight back the tears. My frustration is high and my resolve low. This next week will be my last week on the Cruise phase because I am sure I am losing my grip on the goal. I want to give up, to simply throw my hands up in defeat and dive into a box of glazed donuts.

I have been working so hard for a year and a half. Fighting to rid myself of every obese inch, every obese pound and to think I am so close to this goal yet it continually moves just out of reach is devastating to my spirit.

I have 1 more week on this phase and when the week is up I will accept what my body is capable of even if it is not the vision of success I had for myself.

Day 6 Dukan Diet

Day 6 and the celebration is in full swing!! I weighed myself today and I weighed 145 pounds!! Also today we introduce vegetables to our diet and they were delicious.

I cannot believe I am down 7pounds since starting the Dukan Diet last Monday. Now that vegetables have been introduced and we have to alternate between pure protein days and protein/vegetables days our weight loss should slow down to 2 pounds per week until we meet our desired weight.

Adding the vegetables really has given us the added push to keep working towards our goal. Can't wait to see how long it takes to reach my true weight, my desired weight.

Dukan Day 4

Today has been just a bit of a struggle with the strictly pure protein diet. The protein is sustaining me for much longer before I need to eat again. My hunger has also been very low today but I am very ready to add vegetables to my diet.

Today is the 4th day and it is coming to an end but I'm not sure if I will be able to complete another day. I'm sure I'll push through and complete the last day but right now I want to throw in the towel early and start the Cruise Phase a day early. Also for some reason I weighed in 4oz. heavier.

Was not what I was expecting but hopefully tomorrow will bring me the elusive numbers I have been striving to see for over a year now 145lbs. I am hoping that by the time I am on Stabilization Phase I will be between a svelte 132-128lbs.

Okay well I am feeling better now and am ready for Attack Phase Day 5! I'm going to see it through and complete my goal of 5 days on Attack Phase so I can lose this last 20lbs.

The Dukan Life

Day 3 of the Dukan Diet- Attack Phase is coming to a successful close and I am down 5 lbs. already! This is the lowest I have weighed since starting my fitness journey over a year ago.

I will be on the Attack Phase a total of 5 days and hopefully I will have lost a total of 10 lbs on Attack Phase before I start the Cruise Phase. Sticking to the strictly pure protein diet has not been difficult for me. Mostly because I have already been eating "clean" for quite some time now. I am however looking forward to eating broccoli this Saturday and all my other vegetables I've been avoiding these past few days.

I am very excited to see what my final results will be and what my true weight will be. So far I've experienced no real side effects other than dry mouth. It will be very interesting to see once certain vegetables are introduced to my daily diet which ones I will crave the most and how many vegetables a day I will eat. I'll keep you posted!

Stamina Increase

I am so excited about my increase in stamina and distance with regards to my daily runs. I am a long distance runner and could not beat a snail in a sprint if my life depended on it. When I first began running again a few months back I was only able to run about 2 miles or so. It had been years since I had ran because let's face it running, jogging, even walking at 215lbs. for 2 miles is just not easily done or really even done for that matter.

So after loosing some of my weight that runners call kept getting louder and louder in my heart. I was scared to run my first try, afraid to find out I couldn't do it anymore but I did do it and that first try was all it took to spark the flames of passion for running in me again.

Soon my 2 mile runs became 3.1 mile runs because I had set a goal for myself to run a 5k in 2014. Then after a few weeks I decided to push a little farther and soon my daily run became 5 miles. Well this week I managed to push myself again and after weeks and weeks of running 5 miles a day and managed to go 6 miles.

It was rough and I doubted myself. I thought "oh this is too much go back to 5 miles" but I kept at it and this morning it happened! My body adjusted and accepted  the new distance of the run. When I got home I felt amazing! Not exhausted and sore but fantastic. I know come Monday when I push for 6 my body is going to respond with "We got this girl" and that is a satisfaction words can not describe.

Losing Myself

WOW!! I have not posted on my blog since 2012. Although I'm sure no one has missed me because I'm fairly positive that no one really reads my blog, my absence from my blog was a necessary one.

I needed to focus on myself, to focus on my health. I was in trouble and in danger of cutting my life short. I have Hypothyroidism and I was obese. Now when I say obese I mean obese. Not chubby or pudgy or whatever other cute name you want to use for slightly fat. I was OBESE, FAT, Fatty -Fat -Fat- Pants.

I  was weighing in at a very unhealthy 215.lbs which was a lot to ask of my 5'4 frame. I squeezed myself into a very tight size 18 when I really should have been in a size 20/22. I was one of those awesome people who thought no one could see my muffin top through my fitted cotton shirt.

I hated my life, I hated my body, but above all I hated myself for continually deceiving myself into believing there wasn't a problem that needed to be addressed. I convinced myself I was simply genetically unlucky. I wasn't born with the "you look like you haven't had a baby" gene. I at one point or another sold myself on all the lies we try to sell ourselves. The "I'm big and beautiful" lie, the "I want to enjoy my life and eat cake" lie, The "my husband loves me just the way I am" lie.

Now when I say lie, understand I am speaking of people who are unhappy with their weight and instead of doing something about it try and convince themselves of being happy. If you identify yourself as big and beautiful good for you. I am not one of those people I do not have that kind of self-esteem.

So after not being able to believe my own lies anymore I decided to be brave and try to lose weight. I knew I needed help because I knew it was going to be hard but I didn't care. I couldn't live one more day hating myself.

I started my weight loss journey October 2012. To date I have lost 67 lbs. and wearing a size 6 pant. I am not at my goal weight but I am happier and healthier than ever.