This past Saturday my baby boy turned fifteen years old. He is my first born, my first love, and I can't believe he is now fifteen. How quickly the days of Thomas the Train, Blue's Clues and dinosaurs have faded and turned into days of texting with girls, locked bedroom doors, and only wanting to be with his friends. We've all been there I know but it doesn't make the sting of your child growing up any less painful.

Not only do I have to face the realization of my child growing up way too fast, of time not allowing me to put the hourglass on its side once but I am reminded of it twice! As my ten year old happily informs us all daily that his birthday is also this month. I find comfort only in the words my in laws have shared with me, they may not be small but they will always be your children and they will never stop needing you to be their mommy.

So happy 15th birthday to you Peanut!! You are my favorite part of every day.

HERE WE GO AGAIN!!!

Time for school to start again and you know what that means... Mornings filled with madness and vanilla coffee, sleepy children and misplaced homework. My boys shouting "Mom I can't find my shoe!" and "Did you sign my permission slip?... It's due today!"

I am so excited for the madness to begin. Honestly it makes me feel like a mom; if that makes sense. Last night while laying in bed with the hubby reflecting on our day my heart began to mourn a little. My babies are babies no more. Not even just a little. I have 3 big boys and it's hard to accept.

It's hard to accept there will be no more baby bottles or high chairs. No more soothies or Johnson & Johnson lavender baby shampoo. No one to rock in my arms and drool all over my shirt. No baby wipes or diapers to carry around. It brings tears to my eyes to think that season of my life is over. A season I thought would bloom just once more.

But choices were made and decisions had to be accepted. When 2 people have totally different views on what the next chapter of family life should be... well someone has to put their wants aside.

So now I have 3 big boys who are growing up too fast for my poor heart to handle.

GO TO SLEEP!!!!

I am seething with anger and frustration!!!! I went to bed around 9:30p.m. fell asleep around 10:30p.m. and was awaken at 1a.m. by the littlest boo boo. I have been awake with him ever since because for some reason he can't sleep tonight. So if he can't sleep well that means I can't sleep and I know every mommy out there knows what I'm talking about!!

I am so angry at my husband right now because he is sound asleep at 5 o'clock in the morning and I have yet to be. We have a family gathering to go to this afternoon and I just know both I and the littlest boo boo are going to be cranky and an absolute joy to be around. Hmmm well that last sentence is just dripping with sarcasm. I have a headache, I want to cry but most of all I want my boo boo to GO TO SLEEP!!!!

Oh look here comes the sun coffee anyone?

Wait I Wasn't Ready!!!

Yesterday was really hard day for me and around 10:30 last night I couldn't take it anymore and I had a major anxiety attack!! I was certain that the dangerous, harmful, whatever it is, was outside my house. Circling, looming, just waiting to destroy my life. It was going to penetrate through and shatter my life and my families sense of security. All the rituals that I do to protect my family were not going to be able to protect us or help us.

I have a lot of changes going on in my life and I don't know exactly where I stand. Relationships are changing, my children are growing up very quickly and I am having trouble with that. My baby isn't a baby anymore. He started preschool, a second choice preschool. A if we have to we can enroll him there preschool, not our first choice but finances played a huge part in our decision, unfortunately.

This next school year will be my oldest sons last year of elementary school. It hurts, I just can't take it. Life gets so busy and with three kids things get so incredibly hectic and you don't notice how quickly the sand is running through your children's hourglass and their youth is passing you by and by the time you notice and shout TIME OUT... GIVE ME A LITTLE MORE TIME!!! You're simply to late and all you can do is pray you'll pay better attention as the sand starts to run down again.

If I had one wish it would be to let me go back and relive that time, those moments, those memories again. Let me breath in the scent of my new born babies, let me rock them to sleep in my arms, let me watch them take their first steps again.Enjoy those big toothless grins just one more time, if I had one wish I know what it would be, but really all I can do all I can say is "Wait I wasn't ready!!"

Time Flies

So I have been a busy little bee now that the school year is rapidly coming to an end a fact that has hit me very hard because MY BABIES ARE GROWING UP WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! My hubby and I now understand the dozen of parents that have told us through the years children grow up so fast that one day you'll wake up and say where did the years go?!?! We find ourselves making the same face they made when telling us this ugly fact of life. The face of sadness and longing when we look at our babies and reminisce of them in diapers and first words and favorite stuffed toys. As we confidently said to them we will be a parent forever, and now somehow forever just doesn't seem long enough.

So as to not think of my babies rapid growth I have been trying to figure out Twitter. I know how to tweet but have no idea how to post a response or greeting on someone else's Twitter tweet. Finding people to follow isn't so easy either so if you Twitter let me know so I can follow you!!!