* The Visit
As I sat in my doctors office crying going through my long list of things that give me anxiety and all the things I obsess about, inside I was dieing. Secretly praying that my confession would not result in Child Protective Services coming to my home to remove my children from their crazy mother. As I continued down the list my doctors eyes got bigger, her hands frantically trying to keep up with her dictation of thought. I thought maybe she should have worked on her shorthand more in medical school.
After my purge of information I sat on the patients table staring at her, as she said nothing but continued with her notes. My baby sat in his stroller playing with the toy cars I had brought for him in the corner of the room. Finally she spoke "Okay well, you definitely have Anxiety, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and PMDD. You shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed these are very common conditions" then she left the room.
I thought to myself she's just saying that to make me feel better. My doctor left the room for what seemed like an eternity. I just knew she was standing outside the door calling the nut house saying "I got a pick up for you."
Well to my surprise the padded car never came. As I left the doctors office with my fist full of prescriptions to fill I felt somewhat relieved but there was one referral that had me uneasy. I was to see a councillor for Anxiety/OCD/PMDD. I couldn't stop looking at the referral, it became like one of those painting with the eyes that follow you around the room. ANXIETY/OCD/PMDD.
I mean I was relieved that I wasn't really crazy but upset that there was something wrong with me, that I was diagnosed. So I did the only thing I could do, I did what any women would do in a situation like this, I called my sister!
* The Phone Call
As I walked to the school to pick up my son from kindergarten I called the only person I could trust with the news of how fucked up I really am, my sister Elba. The phone call went like this...
Elba: "Hey what are you doing?"
Me: "Going to pick up S*** from school."
Elba: "I saw you called what's going on?"
Me:"Elba I am totally fucked up!"
Elba: "Why what happened? What did you do now?"
Me:"I went to the doctors today cause I can't control my anxiety anymore and I've been having panic attacks. Well the doctor says I have Anxiety/OCD/ PMDD."
Elba: "What's PMDD?"
Me:"It's like PMS only on steroids. The week before I start my period my anxiety goes through the roof and I get really angry and frustrated with the kids if things aren't perfect around the house."
Elba: "Well it's good that your doing something about it and that you recognize that there is a problem."
Me: "But Elba she said I have OCD!"
Elba: (prolonged silence followed by hysterical laughter)
Me: "Are you laughing? Are you laughing at me? What is so funny?" *anger*
Elba:"You! Okay Mrs. Light Switch!! You are seriously surprised that she said you are obsessive -compulsive? Seriously!! Look at your house, look at your light switches.
Me: (prolonged silence followed by a slight giggle) "Oh my God I forgot about the light switches."
* The Light Switches
In my home all the light switches must be uniform, all going in the same direction on the face plate. If they are not uniform I feel like my house looks messy, dirty, and uncared for.
* Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)-Symptoms
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a chronic or long term illness,and without treatment, symptoms typically come and go over time and may significantly interfere with your ability to work and have a family. Treatment can reduce the severity of the illness. And although some symptoms may linger after treatment, you should be able to have an active social life, raise a family, and work.
Anxiety is the most prominent symptom of OCD. For example you may have an overall sense that something terrible will happen if you don't follow through with a particular ritual, such as repeatedly checking to see whether the doors are locked. If you don't perform the ritual, you may have immediate anxiety or a nagging sense of incompleteness.
* Zoloft
I personally suffer from various obsessive behaviors and thoughts. I have been prescribed Zoloft and am feeling torn over taking this medication. OCD has been my constant companion all these years. Now is my chance to break away and like a brainwashed prisoner I find myself saying it's not wrong it's not so bad. I have associated my anxiety & OCD with love. If the Zoloft stops me from doing these things how will my husband and kids know that I love them?
It runs in the family...err, not by blood but by marriage. Mike is the same way except its coupled with chronic laziness. Ha! So *I* have to fix all the stuff that drives *him* crazy. If I leave a book out on a table...STOP THE CRAZY TRAIN...we can't go to bed until it's put away. As I grow in my ability to throw a good tantrum he grows in his ability to let the little stuff go.
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It might help you to keep order to the cleaning, everything will get done, but you will not be cleaning as much because everything is cyclical. I don't know...check it out though.
xoxo Caroline
I always thought the anxiety I felt meant I cared alot. When I took meds and so much of my sense of urgency I thought that meant I didn't care anymore. I couldn't believe it was considered "normal" to feel so indifferent to everything. My obsessions and compulsions were proof of my care and concern for everyone, including myself.
ReplyDeleteWOW! My friend posted a link to your blog on Facebook and while reading through it, I seriously thought I was reading about myself! Almost every anxiety you have, I go through on a daily basis. I told my husband I think I have OCD, but he doesnt really listen to me...and when I am PMS'ing? FORGET IT! I lock myself in the house for days on end because I am such a lunatic! Maybe I should follow suit and go see a doctor!
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