I am truly putting myself out there for everyone to see with this entry. While folding the laundry alone in my bedroom the other day I discovered something slightly disturbing about myself. I talk to myself, now I don't mean I talk to myself in a to do list kind of way I mean I have full on imaginary conversations with myself!! These imaginary conversations can invoke me to feel anger, frustration, happiness, sadness, etc...
I was completely startled by this and yet was aware enough of the behavior to know I have been doing this for years. I couldn't tell you what the conversation was about but I know I was having one. Then I thought am I so deprived of adult contact/conversation or outside contact for that matter that I actually carry on full on conversations with myself!! I started to reflect back on my childhood wondering, searching for the memory of when this habit began and as I suspected it was a habit I have always had. As a child I even remember feelings of anxiety of being watched. Out of the corner of my eye I would always see someone looking at me peeking around the corner at me when I was watching TV and every time I would try to catch a glimpse that shadow figure/silhouette it would be gone. After awhile I would get frustrated and yell out "Stop peeking at me, leave me alone!"
I keep thinking I'm not sick but I'm not well this all can change it can be made better I can be better. I have to go see the doctor again so we can discus my medications and whether or not I want to continue with the process of using medication to deal with my compulsions, obsessions, anxieties. I have not had any medication in 6 days now and I have very quickly lost control of my ability and capability to see thing for what they really are and react accordingly, I have become the screaming mom again. I of course will continue with my medications because clearly in my case they work. I can't go back to the way I was I can't do that to my husband or my kids they deserve better than that, they deserve the best of me.
I will tell you what I won't do I WILL NOT take my doctor up on her referral to go see a councilor and do the whole behavioral therapy thing. I have seen a few episodes of that new A&E series Obsessed where they document people with OCD and the behavioral therapy they go through let me just say this that show gives me anxiety!! No way will I go through that, they purposely ( the licensed therapist) make you confront the thing that sets you off in the first place just writing about what they do literally gave me the chills. There is no way, I will happily take my meds and call it good thank you very much! For anyone out there doing the behavior therapy you have my respect. I hope I still have yours because I'm very nervous about my admissions of my simply ordinary OCD life.