April 30, 2009

The Gold Bracelett

Since being diagnosed with anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder I have had to reveal my true self to my husband of over 10 years Jerry. In my mind I've keep my behavior hidden from him. Revealing my true self to him completely terrifies me to my very core. I am very comfortable with the idea of his perception of me being an absolute goof. I am after all a self proclaimed dork, I own it, I embrace it. I certainly don't want my dear sweet husband to wake up screaming in the night "OH MY GOD SHE'S NUTS!!" So when he asked me about my anxiety and when I started to experience these type of attacks or thoughts I was sure my visions of his night terrors would be coming true that very evening.

The first thing that came to my mind was the gold bracelet. My mother God rest her soul loved jewelry. Before I go any further let me just give you a little bit of background that is not found on my blog info. I am a Mexican no wait that is incorrect I am a Mexican American meaning my parents were born in Mexico and I was born in the United States Of America in Los Angeles of course. They my parents had heavy Mexican accents where I have none. My kids don't even speak Spanish and I can get by in a conversation speaking Spanglish.

Well my parents wanted my siblings and I to have the very best in life and they worked very HARD to make that happen. Well as some of you may or may not know Mexican people love gold jewelry. My mother was no exception, she loved gold jewelry and wanted us to look our best always. She being the loving mother that she was bought me a gold bracelet which I had a serious love /hate relationship with.

Don't get me wrong the bracelet was beautiful, simply beautiful but it made me completely aware that there was something wrong with my way of thinking. When I was growing up I used to walk to and from school which was some 6 blocks away. All of which were down one of the busiest streets in town. The entire time I walked to school I was in complete and total fear. I was convinced that as the cars rushed past me my beautiful bracelet was going to get snagged on one of the speeding cars and I would be dragged to my DEATH!! Please let me take the time to remind you I was in 2nd grade maybe 1st grade. So when I would walk to school I would move my bracelet from my left hand to my right and on the way home from my right to my left so that my gold bracelet would always be on the opposite side of the traffic thus I could not be tragically killed.

I never expressed these fears to anyone in my family not even my mother. It used to drive her crazy that I would switch my bracelet from hand to hand. It was at the time an expensive gift and she thought I didn't understand or appreciate the beauty of such a gift. As I finished explaining this to my husband my stomach felt very queasy. He just sat at the edge of the bed with his his mouth open he took in a deep breath and then he began to laugh. He kissed me on my forehead and then with a hug whispered in my ear " I love you Sweet Pea." it was then that I wonder what ever happen to my gold bracelet?

April 28, 2009

My Hands Are So Dry

I felt really good last night, very relaxed and then BOOM!! A burst of energy like you would not believe. I began cleaning the house non-stop. I cleaned the bathrooms, took out the household trash, disinfected all the light switches, doorknobs, and doors. I switched and folded the days laundry, cleaned the kitchen and ran the dishwasher. It was nice to clean the house without any interruptions but I did feel like it wasn't absolutely clean like I didn't do my absolute best because I didn't use Windex and I didn't clean the mirrors.

My mind was racing with thoughts of what to clean next. Debating in my head over how far I should or shouldn't go. I laid in bed last night thinking I should have swept, I should have mopped. Never mind that it was 10 o'clock at night I should have done more. I could have wiped down the stove or cleaned the microwave. The list of what I should have cleaned is so long much longer than the list of what I have done. With Swine Flu upon us along with every other kind of super bug illness; Swine Flu, Bird Flu, Winter Flu, it all spells the same thing *GERMS*!!

Germs spread by people, inconsiderate people who go out to public places giving no thought to healthy people who's only fault is that they are out enjoying their lives. I should have done more with my time, my family is worth it. I love my clean and shiny life. I should have done more, my hands are so dry.

April 27, 2009

Will You Please Eat!!!

Every morning you hear the frustration in my voice as I beg my kids to STOP TALKING and EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!! My 5 year old is the worst. He sits on his chair and asks me questions he already knows the answers to. His food gets cold, the time ticks away and he just keeps talking without putting a single bite in his mouth. This irritates me to tears, I don't want my child to go to school hungry and God forbid one of the schools staff members or his teacher think that I am neglecting him, he is very thin it could happen!!

I wouldn't mind playing 20 questions with him if in between his questions he would actually eat!! As a mother the thought of your child being hungry disturbs you. When your child says "Mommy I'm hungry" we spring into action and make them something to eat, to make it all better for them. To make your child something to eat,serve it to them when you know full well that they are hungry and they don't eat it no matter how much you beg, yell, or threaten them is just maddening!!

I just hope that lunch works out in my favor today so my nerves will settle down and these ugly thoughts of my child is starving will go away. Now where did I leave my Zoloft!!

April 24, 2009

Knitting the Night Away

I was so tired this morning I stayed up until 2:30a.m. knitting and watching movies. I must say I am rather proud of myself I did not have very many if any anxiety attacks. I was very relaxed and easy until about 11p.m. when Jerry called me. After his phone call my anxiety levels got real high. Knowing he wasn't coming home and I would be at home all night alone with our boys set me off. Just thinking about it gives me anxiety, also Jerry and I have been married for a little over 10 years now and when you have had someone next to you for that long it becomes hard to sleep without them.

So I spent the night knitting, watching Pride and Prejudice,(I love that movie) and going over my "What To Do In Case of Emergency" plans in my head over and over again. Which like I said it wasn't so bad until about 7:30 this morning when I had to wake up to get the kids ready for school and was completely exhausted. I wondered how in the heck I was gonna make it through the day and then my baby pulled off his poopie diaper and reminded me how I was gonna make it through the day, with some Lysol a sigh and a roll of the eyes.

April 22, 2009

Does Anybody Know?!?

Just wondering when my big boys will remember to wash their hands after they use the bathroom. When will they understand that when I say wash your hands I mean with soap not just wet them!! They go to the bathroom and come out and just go about their business like nothing. Also at what age does a child remember to flush the toilet? Or learns how to flush the toilet? My boys seem to think this is my job or that people are interested in what has just come out of their bodies. I spend my days trying to kill the germs in this house to keep them healthy and they go to the known dirtiest room of the house and walk out without a thought of washing their hands!!

I often wish that outhouses were still acceptable. It really grosses me out to think there is a special little room in your house that's sole purpose is for you to defecate in. I know an outhouse is an inconvenience but maybe people had it right back then. Not one of those wood kind but a nice cinder block shed like building is all I'm saying, you know like the kinds they have at the baseball fields. I don't know, I will just have to fight the good fight clean the bathrooms, flush the toilets, and keep yelling at my kids " Did you wash your hands?"

That Time of the Month

I'm talking about my husband going out of town for the next few days!! My anxiety is rising with waves of panic attacks coming over me. So here I am at 8:15 in the morning trying to control what is out of control by planning my whole day so that I don't feel absents. What to make for dinner, what to feed the kids for lunch, will we go to the store or won't we. The very thought of making these kinds of decisions without his input is making me nauseous.

So today I will put on my makeup, straighten my hair, polish the furniture, tidy the house, and as always be consumed by the need for things to look perfect just the way it does when he is home. Now let me say this about my husband, he thinks I clean the house to much and would like for me to just relax. He would love it if I would clean the house just once a week as I'm sure most husbands would be.

My husband like most works very hard and his hard work gives us a very comfortable lifestyle. When he comes home I want him to be able to just take off his shoes and relax. To come home and just let out a sigh of relief. Not come home to a mess and then have to help me clean. I love him very much and cleaning is how I show him how much I love and appreciate him.

So for the next few days I expect I will watch romantic movies and have sleepless nights. Clean the house and primp myself, I will try not to eat all the Easter candy at once or for dinner. I will call my sister a thousand times a day and follow that up with constant self doubt and indecision because it is that time of the month.

April 20, 2009

Disaster in the Morning

My Monday morning started very calm, very peaceful. I got to snuggle in bed with my hubby for 30min. We kissed, laughed, talked, and both agreed that all our boys woke up looking more beautiful today than they did yesterday. Our big boys soon joined us and we had what we call in our home "family bed". We snuggled our boys asking them if they had wonderful dreams, what they expect from the day and tickled them just to hear them laugh.

Our youngest, the baby was in his crib watching a movie and enjoying his bottle. He is slow to rise in the morning. He's not the type of baby to get up and start playing right away. He needs time to wake up and stretch. Contemplate his day is he going to play with play dough or his trucks. Does he want to worry mom today and eat nothing at lunch. Nap or not to nap these are his questions.

So I got the two big boys ready and off to school with no issues. It was time to get the baby ready for the day when DISASTER!! As I walk around the corner there he was standing in his crib naked. The baby had taken off his poopy diaper and was standing there a naked mess with only a smile to cover himself with. Lucky for me my husband was still home to help me take control of this smelly situation. It was everywhere!! I quick ran to the bathroom and started the shower seeing how my husband was already ready for work I was the lucky one to get into the shower with the baby and scrub my angel clean. It was as I frantically cleaned the poop out from under his fingernails that I came to the decision that we will have those scrubby nail brushes in every bathroom and shower in this house. I washed my poor baby over and over no less than 3 times.

As I scrubbed the baby my husband was nice enough to remove the poopy sheets and blankets and ready them for the wash. Almost 4 hours later and I cannot get the smell of poop out of my nose. I use Fabreeze, Lysol wipes, Windex, and scream "GO AWAY GERMS!!" but this is just another page in the life of a stay at home mom. I thank God that this is the biggest problem I have had so far today but don't find God's jokes very funny. Especially when they involve poop!

April 19, 2009

Sleepless Night

I did not sleep well last night. Let me rephrase that, I did not sleep at all last night. I was awake at 4 a.m. and could not go back to sleep. I listened to the usual noises a house makes and listened for the sound of possible danger. My husband and I slept with our bedroom doors open and some of our upstairs windows as well. It was such a warm day and the cool night air felt so good but this change in our routine did not sit very well with me. I had to sleep facing the door just in case danger approached. I tried to sleep with my back to the door because that was physically more comfortable for me but I kept waking up in a panic that there was someone standing over me, watching me. So I just laid in bed listening to the night, listening for danger, and watching the time pass by.

I wanted to get up out of bed and go downstairs to straighten up but I knew that there was nothing to straighten up because I had done it all before coming to bed. I can not sleep if the dinner dishes are not washed, the kitchen counters have not been wiped down and everything isn't put away nice and neat. This is also true of the upstairs and my kids playroom. Before I can go to bed I must pick up my boys playroom. All their toys must be put in their proper place, the remotes set nicely on the table for them. The playroom must look perfect and neat for them in the morning, so they can play with all their toys and have lots of fun.

So I find myself straightening what is already straight, cleaning what is already clean. I like the way my house looks though, all the beds are made the kitchen is clean and all the laundry has been folded and put away all by 8:30 in the morning. I think today I will empty the bathroom trash again even though I emptied it yesterday. Maybe I will find a piece of trash but I probably won't. That's okay I'm sure my boys will give me lots to clean later in the day.

April 18, 2009

To Do List


I must make the beds so that they look perfect. The pillows must be perfectly arranged and all the beds must look as if they have NOT been sat on.


Clean and scrub all bathrooms and take out all bathroom trash. All germs are killed and the bathrooms smell and look fresh and clean, so that my family and friends(visitors) feel comfortable using the bathrooms.


Hardwood floors must be swept everyday. Even though I have dark hardwood floors the dirt and dust shows and so does your footprints when you walk on them barefoot. So with 3 kids, 1 dog(Chihuahua they shed a lot) a bird and 2 adults my floors get dirty very quickly!


I have gotten much better with regards to my vacuuming. This will only be the 3rd time this week that I vacuum. I have to vacuum today because yesterday I walked upstairs with my shoes on. Before I would vacuum everyday, well i would do this "To Do List" everyday but then I cut back to 4x a week and now I am at 2x a week so, that I feel is a big improvement but I do sometimes miss doing this everyday. I vacuum so often because the idea of dust mites affecting my family's health really upsets me.

Also pet dander really freaks me out. Did you know that everyday a human being sheds approximately 5 grams of dead skin. A single pair of dust mites can survive on that 5 grams of dead skin for 1 year and in that years time that single pair of dust mites can multiply to over 1 million!!! All because of 5 grams of dead skin that wasn't vacuumed up. We are a family of 5 now tell me that wouldn't keep you up at night.


Mop, mop, mop, your house mop it sparkly clean!! I love how my house looks so sparkly after I have cleaned it from top to bottom and finished it off with a nice mopping. If you clean your whole house and you don't mop your house looks unfinished, dull, and incomplete. They say all good things come to an end and that is very true I say because by the end of the day my house looks somewhat duller than earlier in the day.

* Foot Note

Even though I did not mention my kitchen, it is cleaned constantly throughout the day. Also I dust daily because I do not like to see fingerprints on the furniture.

April 17, 2009

I'm not crazy I just have OCD

* The Visit

As I sat in my doctors office crying going through my long list of things that give me anxiety and all the things I obsess about, inside I was dieing. Secretly praying that my confession would not result in Child Protective Services coming to my home to remove my children from their crazy mother. As I continued down the list my doctors eyes got bigger, her hands frantically trying to keep up with her dictation of thought. I thought maybe she should have worked on her shorthand more in medical school.

After my purge of information I sat on the patients table staring at her, as she said nothing but continued with her notes. My baby sat in his stroller playing with the toy cars I had brought for him in the corner of the room. Finally she spoke "Okay well, you definitely have Anxiety, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and PMDD. You shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed these are very common conditions" then she left the room.

I thought to myself she's just saying that to make me feel better. My doctor left the room for what seemed like an eternity. I just knew she was standing outside the door calling the nut house saying "I got a pick up for you."

Well to my surprise the padded car never came. As I left the doctors office with my fist full of prescriptions to fill I felt somewhat relieved but there was one referral that had me uneasy. I was to see a councillor for Anxiety/OCD/PMDD. I couldn't stop looking at the referral, it became like one of those painting with the eyes that follow you around the room. ANXIETY/OCD/PMDD.

I mean I was relieved that I wasn't really crazy but upset that there was something wrong with me, that I was diagnosed. So I did the only thing I could do, I did what any women would do in a situation like this, I called my sister!

* The Phone Call

As I walked to the school to pick up my son from kindergarten I called the only person I could trust with the news of how fucked up I really am, my sister Elba. The phone call went like this...

Elba: "Hey what are you doing?"

Me: "Going to pick up S*** from school."

Elba: "I saw you called what's going on?"

Me:"Elba I am totally fucked up!"

Elba: "Why what happened? What did you do now?"

Me:"I went to the doctors today cause I can't control my anxiety anymore and I've been having panic attacks. Well the doctor says I have Anxiety/OCD/ PMDD."

Elba: "What's PMDD?"

Me:"It's like PMS only on steroids. The week before I start my period my anxiety goes through the roof and I get really angry and frustrated with the kids if things aren't perfect around the house."

Elba: "Well it's good that your doing something about it and that you recognize that there is a problem."

Me: "But Elba she said I have OCD!"

Elba: (prolonged silence followed by hysterical laughter)

Me: "Are you laughing? Are you laughing at me? What is so funny?" *anger*

Elba:"You! Okay Mrs. Light Switch!! You are seriously surprised that she said you are obsessive -compulsive? Seriously!! Look at your house, look at your light switches.

Me: (prolonged silence followed by a slight giggle) "Oh my God I forgot about the light switches."

* The Light Switches

In my home all the light switches must be uniform, all going in the same direction on the face plate. If they are not uniform I feel like my house looks messy, dirty, and uncared for.

* Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)-Symptoms

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a chronic or long term illness,and without treatment, symptoms typically come and go over time and may significantly interfere with your ability to work and have a family. Treatment can reduce the severity of the illness. And although some symptoms may linger after treatment, you should be able to have an active social life, raise a family, and work.

Anxiety is the most prominent symptom of OCD. For example you may have an overall sense that something terrible will happen if you don't follow through with a particular ritual, such as repeatedly checking to see whether the doors are locked. If you don't perform the ritual, you may have immediate anxiety or a nagging sense of incompleteness.

* Zoloft

I personally suffer from various obsessive behaviors and thoughts. I have been prescribed Zoloft and am feeling torn over taking this medication. OCD has been my constant companion all these years. Now is my chance to break away and like a brainwashed prisoner I find myself saying it's not wrong it's not so bad. I have associated my anxiety & OCD with love. If the Zoloft stops me from doing these things how will my husband and kids know that I love them?