March 29, 2010

No More Diapers!!

Today was a very proud day in our household, today our youngest member of the family was potty trained!! Not 1 single accident I am beaming, can you see me?!?...BEAMING PEOPLE... ME... OVER HERE... BEAMING!! For whatever reason the 3 years 1 month mark has worked for my boys. My oldest officially took 3 days to potty train but the younger 2 got it the first time on the first try without a single accident.So now we work on perfecting his aim, he definitely needs help in that area my bathroom floors are proof of that.

Some of you may be thinking "WOW!! life is going to be so much easier for you now"... WRONG!!! Now the real work begins the traveling everywhere with a potty chair and water bottle, hand sanitizers, wipes and having to have the knowledge of where the closest and cleanest public restroom is at all times in any and every location.*GROAN*

But once we get the hang of it and fall into a routine he will be able to experience the true reward of this special right of passage, a reward every potty trained child experiances in their life...PRESCHOOL!!! Half day of course but he is so ready and excited. He needs his space and friends and well is just itching to get away from mom!! I imagine the image below is how you will find me in the restroom of his preschool talking to my sister on the phone as she tries to talk me off the ledge as I am sniffling and mumbling "HE"S NOT A BABY ANYMORE!!!"

March 18, 2010

Faceless Friend

They say when birds sing in the presence of you that they are praying for you. That they hear your struggles and raise their faces to God and pray. That their songs are not songs at all but cries for us to be free from our struggles and pain. Beautiful winged angels, a gift from God to all those that he cherishes.

I would like to take a moment to thank my little bird that God has sent me. To pray for me, to comfort me, and encourage me. I have never seen your face but I have felt your embrace in your gentle and kind words that ring like a bell in my heart.

Thank you Retro Girl whoever you are, my faceless friend your words of encouragement and love are feeding my heart and make it easier for me to face the challenges of the day.

March 15, 2010

Blowing In The Wind

So I have been learning some really tough lessons in life lately and feel like a leaf blowing in the wind sometimes. I feel like every emotion wants to simultaneously be poured out of my body. In a constant tailspin so many people are angry with me and yet my husband is not. He has shown a true understanding and example of unconditional love. He and I are getting along now better than ever, we have deconstructed our relationship and are rebuilding from a foundation of friendship. It's funny because I know the people hurting me do not do it from a place of malice but love. (I hope) Perhaps they do and I am being naive again but I will give them the benefit of the doubt that it comes from love and they just want what is best for my husband and children.

March 3, 2010

Surprised Myself

Guess what people I am one smart cookie!!! Last night was my first GED class and I totally and completely ROCK!! I made the test more difficult in my head but the reality is it was easy for me. I left the class with such confidence such pride I could hardly contain myself. I woke up this morning wanting to go back and practice some more. Next month I will be taking the real exam and if all goes the way we predict it to I will be signing up for my medical assistants program as well. WOW!!! I feel so good about myself I feel like if need be I could take care of not only myself but my kids too and that is my true freedom.

March 2, 2010

Here We Go

Well today is the day I go back to school. My class starts late this afternoon and I am giddy with anticipation. I hope I am not the oldest person in class but if so no matter because my self esteem is going to go through the roof. I am going to prove to myself my own self worth. This is the first step in the right direction not only for me but my family. I know this isn't going to be easy but nothing worth having in life ever is.

I am taking the steps toward independence relying on myself to find my own happiness in life because no one can make you happy if you are not happy with yourself. I placed that pressure on my husband although he wasn't completely aware of it. I constantly looked to him to make me happy. For him to give me my self worth and in doing so created animosity and resentment toward him because he is independent not codependent like I am. He can go to the store by himself, he can make plans to hang out with friends and not need me there.

It made me angry and jealous that he could do that and I couldn't or wouldn't. I thought of my husband like my child thinks of his blanket, security. I couldn't go anywhere without him, well now it's time for me to be a big girl and have a life of my own. Hobbies of my own, time to find and learn who I am so I can be the person I am suppose to be in our family.

The Real You

Funny how people can show their true colors when things aren't going well in your life. You really see who your true friends are and who really loves you. Things you think you are saying in confidence are suddenly thrown back in your face. People you think would never speak out of both sides of their mouth seem to always end up on the top of the list. As hard as it is I see in the end who will be in my life and who was there because of appearances and or obligation. It's true what they say, friends are hard to come by thank God I have the support of my sister and childhood friend. Perhaps I am a bit more naive than I thought I was. I know now how important it is not to wear your heart on your sleeve. Not make it so easy for people to get in or easily hurt you, lesson learned!!

I just want to say thank you to all my friends here in our little blog community who have sent me prayers and well wishes. Your words of encouragement have such an impact on me and truly make the day a little easier to face.

March 1, 2010

Rough Road Ahead

My life is under construction at the moment, my confessions of sadness and shame has caused my life to temporarily imploded. My confidence in me hangs below my knees, I am after all only qualified to scrub toilets and if fortune smiles upon me work as a cashier at my local WalMart.

For years I thought I could camouflage my truth, hide these things from my family and friends but the pressure to do so has overwhelmed me and I can no longer disguise my true self the real me. I am an uneducated 30 something housewife with 3 children. If the bottom completely fell out from under me how would I support not only myself but my children? Again the only thing I know how to do scrub toilets and or welcome people to WalMart. So it's back to school I go, back to the beginning back to basics.

I grew up in a loving home with a loving family but at age 14 my family home was devastates by cancer. My mother became ill and although she put up a good fight she died when I was 16 years old. My family was at the time of her illness in chaos and grief. She was the glue that held our family together and we rapidly fell apart at the seams. I am the youngest in my family the gap between my siblings and I is very vast and well I was most defiantly NOT a planned pregnancy. No one spreads their children out 10 and 11 years apart. When my mother died all of my siblings were married with families of their own. I was just a sophomore in high school and as some of you may know high school is hard enough without a devastating loss in your family.

At the end of her life my mother never pulled me aside to say to me make sure you can take care of yourself before you start taking care of your husband and children neither did my father or siblings. She pulled me aside to give me her rings to remember her by. So I ran with the wrong crowd got into abusive relationships and dropped out of high school. I ended up waiting for my prince charming to rescue me instead of me rescuing myself. Now I hope with all that I am that I am not coming across as blaming my family for my bad choices in life because that is not the case. We were all grieving my mothers loss. I am only making the statement that I had a get a job and it's your life kind of guidance not a have you considered this or a career in that kind of guidance. None of us kids did so now I am fixing my past mistakes. Now I have to start back at square one and hope my own family will still be intact as I find myself under construction.