May 30, 2009


It is amazing how 1 little pill a day can drastically effect your life in such a positive way. Gone is my Dr.Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde attitude replaced by a reasonable see things for what they really are mentality and react and respond accordingly to that situation. I guess I can only describe my feelings as this, it feels like that moment in the Wizard of Oz when Dorthy opens the door and then COLOR. My life has color in it again, so long I have lived in gray that now when I see the color of my life I surrender to it with peace and tranquility. I still need things to be clean I still watch my kids and make sure they are safe, alive, happy, breathing, but now when I do those things they are not followed by panic attacks. I still obsess but I feel in control of myself, my actions, my feelings, my life.

Another thing I find very interesting it could be a coincidence but my opinion is that it is not a coincidence but a direct reflection of my past and my present state of mind. One of my boys has had a bed wetting problem for a number of years since taking my medication to control my obsessions and anxiety his bed wetting has completely stopped. I believe I caused so much stress in his life that he used to wet his bed every night as a way to cope with the pressure or show that the pressure of constantly trying to be prefect was too much for him to handle. Also my oldest son Ethan used to have 2 styes in one of his eyes for a few months the doctor told us he would most likely have to surgically remove the styes. Since my change both styes have completely disappeared. They are doing better in school and my relationship with all of my boys has completely changed for the better I am starting to be the mom I always wanted to be.

I can not accept that all of these changes in our lives are simply a coincidence. I damaged my children by constantly striving to have them live in perfection. To constantly obsess over perfection, germs, and their health and well being in a completely unhealthy way has forced me to recognize that one of my children suffers from anxiety and I am to blame. I am doing everything possible to stop his anxiety from spiraling out of control. I am so grateful that all is not lost and I have been given the chance to redeem myself as their mother, an opportunity in my life I refuse to miss.

May 18, 2009

Side Affects Include...

WOW!! I have had an amazing month on my Zol/Yaz cocktail combo. My anxiety is low and my days are enjoyable. My anger and frustration with my boys is reasonable and I am no longer the psycho mom my kids feared. I have stopped going from cranky to irate in 6.6 seconds. My kids are at ease and that is the best feeling in the world. I am however dealing with some side affects including dizziness, nausea, short term memory loss, and trouble concentrating but that's no big deal right?!? I don't always have these symptoms but on occasion I do suffer from them.

I even suffer from laziness some days, although I don't exactly think laziness is an actual listed side affect of the Zoloft I'm adding it in there. I just have no desire to to clean the house or do the laundry. I have however been able to find my happy balance, I now clean the house from top to bottom on Saturdays and just tidy up during the week, so everybody wins! I even found the courage to leave my house alone.( without my hubbs ) I attended my first ever passion party and let me tell you it was one hell of a learning experience.

I found it so incredibly amusing how women will get so competitive with each other and will reveal personal and private information about themselves in front of a group of women they don't even know just to win a corny prize wrapped in a brown paper bag myself included. We played a game called "Good Girl/Bad Girl" we where asked a series of personal sexual questions and for each question you answered yes you gave yourself a point. The women with the least and most points win thus the "Good Girl/Bad Girl". I was somewhere in the middle, a little bit of both but that really isn't surprising.

I think I am going to host my own passion party it is something I consider wild and slightly inappropriate. A bit out of character for me, somewhere down the line I turned into a prude. I think it would be fun and maybe even good for me to step out of my comfort zone, who knows something for me to think about I guess.

May 13, 2009

P.T.A Mafia

P.T.A Mafia is how I lovingly refer to the P.T.A moms at my children's school. They come to school in their juicy jeans, tank tops, and high heals showing off their pedicures with their mac makeup looking flawless. I wish I had the drive to make an effort the way these women do. To be completely put together by 8:30 a.m. as they drop off their kids and gather for a quick chat before they run off to do their errands.

You can always tell who is a new mafia recruit by the sudden change in appearance. Gone are the days of sweatpants, ponytails, and flip flops; comfort exchanged for style and amazingly all it takes to join this exclusive Stepford Wives like club is your one time only fee of $7.00 your P.T.A dues. With your $7.00 you gain a new best friend, a workout partner, a babysitter, a new best friend for your kids and you get to go to the on campus breakfast P.T.A meetings.

They also have somewhat of a theme to their groups, a Spice Girl/Barbie kind of thing. Their is jogger mom who always shows up at school in her running outfit complete with baby jogger. Designer bag mom who is always willing to show all the other mothers her latest purchase. Bleached hair mom with her Barbie pink lipstick and dark eyeliner to make her blue eyes pop and last but not least cool mom, now she is the mom all the other moms want to be best friends with and has an upper management position in the P.T.A.

When I join the mafia I am guessing I might be overprotective mom or walk all over me mom. I hope to be not gonna take your shit mom. Who knows I can only dream because unfortunately I can't truly join the mafia. You are not allowed to bring your little ones when you help out at school all I can do for now is donate my $7.00.

So no walking around campus with my visitors pin on, no drinking coffee in the teachers lounge for me or even making copies for the teachers next big project. No I can only sit back and enjoy the mafia lifestyle from a distance, it appears I'm on the outside looking in. Please understand I truly appreciate what these women do. They help the teachers and the students whether their child is in that teachers class or not. They help just to help and put amazing functions together. I wish I could be that put together that confident in social situations. I am envious of their time and available childcare.

May 11, 2009


The Zoloft is working, my cleaning schedule has fallen by the waist side. I go to bed at night and leave the dinner dishes in the sink, which is a very big deal for me. Although I find it kind of stupid because it just adds to the morning mess. So progress my floors are dirty and yet the world has not come to a screeching halt!

In the morning my kids make their own beds and I am perfectly okay that their room does not look absolutely perfect. Progress, my kids climb on my bed, walk on my vacuum tracks and I don't turn into a raving lunatic. My kids are more relaxed now and I've noticed they are not walking on eggshells around me and have seemingly stoped wondering when or what will set me off next.

Progress, I only clean the house on Saturday and my hubby is more than fine with it but best of all I am fine with it. Right now my house is presentable the kitchen is clean the house is vacuumed all the rooms are picked up the beds are made. I am still fighting the urge of feeling like a slob because my floors still have not been swept but so far I'm doing okay.

Progress, yesterday my sweet hubby loaded up the dishwasher, all wrong by my standards he didn't keep the matching plates together, he didn't load them in the order of smallest plate to largest plate, he just put them in where ever they would fit. I had a slight panic attack but I did NOT rearrange the plates in the dishwasher I just let it be.

However there is no progress when it comes to me checking the doors and all the light switches in the house still need to be in a uniform direction. That I don't think will ever change for me. Also my feelings of my kids health and safety is still the same. I find myself having little moments of terror because in a few weeks ALL 3 of my kids will be spending the night at their grandparents house. Just writing it down makes me nauseous but what can I say I am a mother of 3 beautiful boys who has anxiety and OCD that is who I am that is who I will always be.


"Joy is not the result of getting what you want; it is the way to get what you want. In the deepest sense, joy is what you want.

~ Allan Cohen~

May 6, 2009

Quote of the Day

You are the only problem you will ever have and you are the only solution. Change is inevitable, personal growth is always a personal decision.

~Bob Proctor~

This quote really spoke to me this morning. I think it is true of everyone whatever your situation may be. Perhaps some problems are only illusions we have created in our lives.

May 5, 2009

For Them

We have entered the danger zone in my house this week. We are 1week away from my monthly ladies days. This is the week where every little mess and accident throws me over the edge. So far so good, yesterday I took my first dose of Zoloft. We will see if the combination of Yaz and Zoloft has a positive effect on me. I have noticed that I have a little more patience with my boys, not as many blow ups even though they DON"T LISTEN!! Sorry that one just slipped out. I am going to guess that my ZolYaz cocktail will be better for me than not taking any medication at all.

I have to do something, I worry about my boys. They are growing up thinking that my behavior is totally normal. What kind of women will they end up with if they have me as their example of how a wife and a mother loves and cares for her family. I want my kids to know I love them, accept them, value them, even when they make a mess or walk on my precious vacuum tracks. I do it all for them, for their happiness, for their health.

May 4, 2009

I've Got the Swine Just Not the Flu

Yesterday my husband sent me to a new level of pissed off that I have never been before. It was 9 a.m. and we were all downstairs trying to decide what to have for breakfast. The kids of course wanted a big bowl of sugar and milk we moms like to call cereal. My sweet hubby had stated earlier that he might be in the mood for eggs but when we got downstairs his mood had changed and he decided he was going to have a nice low-fat breakfast shake. My darling husband then turned his attentions toward me and asked "What are you gonna have for breakfast." to which I innocently replied " Well I guess I'll just have some cereal." Then it happened my husband caught a very bad case of diarrhea of the mouth!

He then said to me "We need to start eating better, we are starting to look bad again!" I know, I know he said we but in this house "WE" means me! It was then I prayed please let actual daggers fly out of my eyes and strike this man dead! Then he proceeded with "We (there is that lovely word again) need to start planning out our meals for the week and only eating what is on that list." Now let me say this I am a little over weight but I have also lost weight. I lost 20lbs and have successfully kept it off. I went from a VERY tight size 18 to a VERY loose size 12. I can't believe I just admitted that but it is true.

Also in my own defense I would like to add that in October I will be running in a 5k race. My hubby on the other hand never works out. Well I shouldn't say never I should say rarely. Yes it is true that I haven't used my treadmill in 2 weeks but my size 12 pants still fit! Now before you start bashing my hubby I do think , no I know it is my fault he is like this. You see I completely spoil him. We are like this because I have allowed the relationship to be like this. I was very angry at what he said but I was even more angry at myself for saying nothing. Why? Because I don't like confrontation. I don't want to hurt his feelings or argue with him.

I like most am very insecure about my body. I don't look like I used to, I have had 3 kids gosh darn it! I am not one of those lucky women who have had children and look like she's had none, not only that but I am SURROUNDED by these types of women! I used to stand up for myself (sort of) but then fear settled in and my thoughts quickly turned into oh gosh what if I stick up for myself and this person then shoots me in the malls parking lot! Well I think fear and self loathing have overstayed their welcome. Also my hubby did apologize and I still love him very much, even if he has packed on the pounds these last 10 years.