August 21, 2009

I Hate the News!!

Last night I struggled to fall asleep. My hubby and I like to watch the news in bed before we go to sleep and the lead story of last nights news disturbed me so much it gave me an anxiety attack. Yesterday a couple was arraigned for the torture and brutal beating murder of the women's 2 year old son. What made this murder even more heinous was the fact that they used duct tape to hold the child down in various positions to beat the boy.

I couldn't stop envisioning this poor child screaming in pain as this huge man and woman took turns beating him. I imagined this poor child clinching on to his mother in pain remorseful for what ever so called "offence" he had committed then screaming in terror as they pinned him down to repositioned him for another round of torture and pain. He was helpless unable to even place his little hands up in defense.

WHY!! As if their is an answer to this question that would possibly justify it or make any sense.

Why is this world so cruel to children? Was there no neighbors who heard this child's cries or they did hear the brutal beating and did nothing to try and stop it? We look upon other countries who react to crimes with the philosophy of An Eye For An Eye as barbaric or inhuman but where was the humanity for this child? I become physically ill when I think of this little boys tragic death at the hands of those who he trusted most in his young life, his mother and stepfather. Just when I think I can trust the world with my children the world shows me just how ugly people can be.

I bet it will be this woman's defense that she herself was abused by this man and how she feared for her own life and couldn't stop him from beating her son to death. I ask you as parents is this even possible? Would you assist someone in torturing and beating your child to death because you feared for your own life and safety? I would rather die!! I don't allow anyone to put their hands on my children, I don't care what relation you are to me. You put your hands on my babies your gonna put me in jail and if your lucky you in the hospital!!

What an ugly reality for our children to know that in this world their are parents who kill their children, people who will steal their innocence, their happiness, their lives and that sometimes the monsters they need to watch out for are the very ones who kiss them goodnight.

August 18, 2009

If You Love Them You Will Let Them Go

Well when I left you last I was in a panic over leaving my boys with my sister for 2 hours and well the evening was a great success!! My babies had a wonderful time with my sister and I was able to enjoy a delicious dinner with my hubby. I took your suggestions to heart and talked up the fun my boys were going to have with my sister Teresa. By the time we arrived at my sisters house both my boys and I were ready to enjoy our evenings. I had such a wonderful time, I think as a stay at home mom I need to accept that just because I want to have some adult time that does not mean I am a bad or selfish mother. It only means I need to fulfill my needs too to be a better mother.

This outing could not have come at a better time my boys have gone back to school and I am having a hard time letting go of my blue eyed boy,my middle son. I will no longer be having lunch with my little man, he is a big boy now and he will be in school all day. They are growing up so fast too fast and I am not dealing with it very well. I have had many people say to me "Oh Erika you must be so excited to be getting rid of 2 boys and only having 1 to deal with at home." Well truth be told I am not happy to only have 1 baby at home. I love spending time with my boys and having them home.I don't want to be without them when I think of the situation I think "oh no I only have 1 left!" I feel shameful that when people have asked me about my excitement that I wasn't truthful; that I said "Yeah I am excited to have 2 of my boys in school all day." I go along with the other persons excitement about the situation not my own.

I am excited that they love their school and that they are excited that school has started up again. I am so blessed that my kids love to learn and that they think learning is fun and cool. I'm going to stop saying that I am excited to be without my kids all day, it is a lie and I think very disrespectful to my kids. I am working hard on letting go letting them be a little more independent but my fear of my children being abducted or harmed is great. I have been having trouble sleeping and having horrible thoughts run through my head again. School has only been back in session for 2 days now!! I know the answer is to face my fears and give them room. If I keep on this path my children will either become fearful and suffer from anxiety themselves (as my middle child already does) or they will be resentful of me which neither scenario is acceptable to me. So I'm gonna have to trust my parenting and my kids. I'm going to have to loosen up and enjoy this ride because before I know it their childhood will be over and I don't want to look back and say I wish I had enjoyed them more and worried less.

August 12, 2009

Panic Scheduled For Friday

This Friday I will be leaving my babies in the care of my oldest sister Teresa for a few hours and I am panicked. It is only Wednesday and I have been stressed out since Monday over leaving my kids with my sister and dad for 2 hours or so. I NEVER leave my kids with my sister Teresa I always leave my children in the care of my other sister Elba. Well this time my back was up against the wall and I had to ask Teresa. My sister Teresa is perfectly capable of watching my boys she herself is a wonderful mother. She is the kind of mother I strive to be like.
Everything Teresa does in life is for her 2 beautiful girls.She does nothing without first considering how her actions will affect her girls. Every dream, every breath, every prayer is for her girls. Her talent for showing her love is as grand as her love itself. She bakes like Betty Crocker and cooks like Sara Lee. The magic Teresa creates for her girls at Christmas is inspiring. As I said I strive to be the kind of mother that she is so what am I so stressed about?

The stress comes from the lack of interaction my children have with members of my family. Even though we live about 30min away I rarely see my sister and father. My boys really do not have a close relationship with them and because they are not as involved in their lives my kids are shy and standoffish with them. They see them as family/strangers so I worry for my kids and how they will react to being left with my family.

So I am stressed out and because I am stressed out and feel that I don't have another choice or any control over what my kids will feel or that I will not be able to comfort them I do what comforts me and gives me a sense of control I clean. I clean, I vacuum, I straighten and I remember that this is how I perceive things to be and if I do not want my children to react in a negative way on Friday than I should not reveal my stress and worry to them. Wish me luck friends because as they say it is easier said then done.

August 6, 2009

Resentful or Whining?

I have been struggling with feelings of resentment and unhappiness lately. Most of my feelings of resentment have been directed to my dear husband. Resentment has intruded upon my heart and has a strong and unrelenting grasp on me. I dare not say a word to my hubby because it might upset him or hurt his feelings and if expressing my feelings to him and they cause him to react in such a way than I have failed as his wife and friend. I am not sure about this post but my dearest friend suggested that it might make me feel better and give me the opportunity to step back and assess the situation. To see the truth from a distance and move forward in progress.
The resentment stems from my interpretations of his actions and lack their of, such as helping me with the kids or the little things like helping around the house but these little things are now perceived by me to be huge acts of uncaring inconsideration.

Example: He does not open the car door for me. What a small and timeless gesture to show someone you love how highly you think of them, and well I must say it is the polite thing to do. His father opens his wife's car door and pulls out her chair because she, my mother~in~law is that girl to my father~in~law. His ex my husbands mother says "He never did that for me" and I am afraid that I am not that girl to my husband.

It is my opinion that for his friends he will do anything and everything to help them when they call on him. For me it seems schedules and meetings cannot be changed.

I rarely am given the chance or thought of when it comes to sleeping in. I ALWAYS get up with the kids even if I am equally tired I am the one to get up.

Or washing/rinsing his dishes when he has just witnessed me wash them or place them in the dishwasher. He will just leave his dish in the sink!!

My list goes on and on but as resentful as I am toward him I am even more resentful of myself. I never say a word because I don't want to have conflict with my husband. I just marinate in my bitterness and in a few days I go back to being my kooky self. I will say this about my husband and my relationship we have a very traditional marriage. He brings home the bacon and I fry it in the pan!! He is such a success at work because he knows the home front is being taken care of. I just want to be his special girl, after all he chose me to be his wife out of all the girls he wanted me the most.

When I wake up in the morning the first thing I think of is how am I going to make him happy today? What can I do to make his day easier? My mother once told me that if a woman wants to be happy in her marriage that she should marry a man who loves her more than she loves him. I understood her point then and tried to follow her advice but in the end the heart wants what the heart wants.

Perhaps I am just petty and ungrateful for all that I have?

August 5, 2009

Only 12 Days Left!!

Only 12 days left and then it will be the first day of school!! Oh what a wonderful summer I have had with my boys I don't want summer to end. I don't want to send them back to school! Unlike some mothers that I have spoken with I was not sick of my children on the second day of summer vacation. I have enjoyed spending time with my children because I have really great kids and I don't care if it is considered rude or inappropriate I am definitely bragging!! I am sad for me but excited for my 2 big boys because they are so excited to be going back to school. My oldest son can hardly contain his excitement about being in 4th grade and having recess and lunch with ONLY the big kids!! My sweetheart, blue eyes himself is excited to be going into 1st grade,buying lunch, and having class go all day.
Where has the time gone? My 2 big boys are going to be away from home all day!! I must say I am looking forward to having special alone time with my baby. It will just be he and I for a short while this year but as soon as he turns 3 years old, like my other boys I'm sure he will forget all about mommy and be daddy's best buddy. My husband is counting down the days until his 3rd birthday. I think this school year my child abduction anxiety/obsession will not be so severe or difficult for me to deal with because I plan on walking my boys across the street and waiting until the bell rings. At least that is my plan my big boys might think that it's too lame for me to walk them beyond the gate.

As I sit here and write about what will be happening in the upcoming weeks my anxiety is rising and my palms are getting sweaty. I just want my babies to be happy and safe. I need them to be happy or I perceive myself to have failed as a mother. Oh jeez I am having a mini panic attack; as if a panic attack can even be mini!! Anyway my babies are growing up and I am finding that I am not prepared to let them go and I am not prepared to have to occupy my own time. So with that yesterday I went to my local craft store and bought a paint by number set. I have gone to my local library and gotten myself a library card and of course I will continue to blog my about OCD experiences.I hope everyone has enjoyed their summer and thank you all for your comments of support. I think of you all as my friends.


Kika Jones

August 2, 2009

Sunday Morning

Crying tears of frustration over words that fall on deaf ears
Words that are truly never heard
Words trapped in my throat.

Resentment,anger and everyday is still the same
Everyday lies everyday repeats.
Repeat... Repeat... Repeat...
Anger,scold, ask God why then repeat steps 1-3.
Fighting yelling and resentment is still brewing inside
Bubbling ready to boil over and scald someone anyonethe person most special to me but then...
Beauty, a smile, my children laugh their eyes so bright
Their spirits young and full of life.
My heart is full of life and love
Yet undernieth the joy the resentment still brews.

The Mothers Gasp

I have been without medication for 30 days now(insurance issues) and so far I have been handling myself well. I do check the locks more often now than I previously had and am a little on edge over my children's safety but to me that is normal. Last month my youngest son injured himself at a friends house and ever since then I have become more anxious and overprotective of them, if that is even possible but I guess where there is anxiety there is a way.

We were swimming in our friends pool, my little guy is a fish, where there is water you will find my baby splashing. My littlest pumpkin was playing on the large reef step when disaster struck. My baby got excited tried to run and tripped in the water impaling himself on the rocky edge of the pool! The gashon his forehead was deep and the blood flowed quickly. It took 2 stitches to close the wound, 4 was needed but only 2 were tolerated. Now my baby bares an ugly scar to remind me that I wasn't quick enough to catch him when he fell that day. (Failure)

So I now suffer from the mothers gasp, you know the sound that annoys every father, relative, and non~parent within earshot of you. He trips, GASP! He runs ahead of me, GASP!
for every little thing GASP! GASP! GASP! Now everything and anything my kids do is followed by the gasp.Then I get upset with them for scaring me and making me worry. As if they are even aware of my feelings or emotions. They are just children enjoying themselves enjoying their day all they want to do is play they are not aware of the stress and worry I have. They only become aware of it when I yell at them for no real or valid reason.

Also a small observation I noticed about myself, I organize my dirty dishes. If for some God awful reason I cannot do my dishes I stack,straighten, and organize them for the next day. It is rare for it to happens but on a few occasions I have noticed that I have a tendency to organize what most would leave piled. Also just curious does anyone else wash their hands after making their family members beds? Or have a preference to a bathroom in your home? I do, my master bathroom is the only bathroom I feel comfortable using and I hate it when my kids use it or anyone else for that matter that isn't my husband ofcourse. Oh God please let their be other people out there like me in this world, don't let me be the only one who does these things!!Anyway my baby is fine now he just has a scar that reminds me of the moment that I wasn't there to save him.