February 18, 2010
The simplest gestures can bring forth the biggest smiles. A hello or good morning can set the tone for the day and make you take notice of the beauty that surrounds you. That good morning can make you feel so special that you carry it around like the memory of a kiss. It's those simple gestures that capture the heart.
For so long I was in love, all I wanted was you in my life. Help you catch your dreams and reach your goals. Now I'm all alone and your to far gone. Gone to see your mistakes unfold at your feet and what was once so simple what was once so sweet has now become to bitter and complicated for me.
What happen to my simple little life? My simple little hopes and dreams? With satisfaction I sit and watch you bleed, how the tables have turned now that I'm the one holding the spear. I found myself and lost you and now your the one sitting there not knowing what to do.
I always fixed it and you always broke it, up until now things have been fine temporarily but oh how our circumstances changed. Now you tell me my words they cut you like a knife and you tell me the pain is something you can't bare. Well look how it's balanced now, how quickly I find you wanting to settle down. Crawling back for more whispering your sorry at my door.
What happen to my simple life? My simple little hopes and dreams? Are you angry now that I'm helping you kill it too? I've been in rehearsals getting ready to face my demotion; just a has been that's what I am. I took the leftovers and saved them up but they didn't go to far. Sorry time ran out... it's over now.
February 15, 2010
I was watching the A&E show Hoarders and became aware that in all the Hoarders episodes I have seen there seems to be a running theme or common similarity in the program episodes and that is 1 the people are obese, 2 that they all have multiple cats in their home and 3 not all but most are smokers. I found this to be both interesting and odd, skinny people don't hoard? Perhaps skinny people only have clutter? I don't know if A&E is aware that the people they film for this show all seem to these commonalities? Now I am not saying all obese people are hoarders or somehow unclean. I am saying A&E is seemingly only showing obese hoarders and why oh why do these people smoke? That just drives me bonkers, it gives me anxiety to think that if their house caught on fire they would be trapped and the firefighters couldn't help them because of the condition of the house!!
I also find it so interesting that the condition these people are living in is an outward reflection of what they are feeling on the inside, dis function and fear.If you can see beyond the mess and the disturbing chaotic lifestyle they all tell of some life altering moment that was what they consider the catalyst to this type of behavior. Intresting and odd is the only way I can explain it, the only thing I can say.
I'm sure I have lost my mind because today I got my oldest son a hamster!! Yes I said a hamster!!! It kills me to say this but the darn thing is so cute and the boys are so enamored with it I just couldn't say no. We got our new little friend from my girlfriend Debbie who's children I guess lost interest in the little thing and so when she said she was giving it away I thought of my oldest son who had asked me for a pet hamster repeatedly.
So as a surprise I took him to my girlfriends to pick up his new friend. I must say the kids reaction was great but by far my Chihuahua Walter's was the best. I think he might have thought it was a puppy. He just kept sniffing it and running around like crazy. The hamsters previous owners named him Hammy but my big boy wants to name him Eragon after his favorite book.
A pet hamster what was I thinking?!?!! As if I needed another reason to clean this house!! Oh well I'll just look on the bright side of things and be happy that my kids will have the cleanest hands in town.
Yesterday was not only Valentines day in our home but it was also my baby's birthday. My little Valentine is 3 years old now, where has the time gone? Soon there will be no sign of a baby living in this house as next month we tackle potty training. *sigh* I hope it will go as easily as it did with his 2 big brothers.Then we will be on to our biggest challenge Preschool!! Oh I can feel the anxiety attack coming on but I will be strong and force a smile and allow my baby to become a big boy.
February 4, 2010
I am full of resentment, bitterness, and anger. I have been struggling with being able to define my feelings, to be able to verbalize this type of unhappiness and anger. I now can explain and define why I am angry and unhappy, I am unhappy because I am a married single mother.
I have a traditional marriage, traditional in Daddy goes to work and Mommy stays home and takes care of the kids and the house. That part I like I don't mind. What bothers me is that the kids totally bypass dad to ask me a question. As if he is not even in the room or the house. What bothers me more is that my husband is not bothered by it and I am not 100% sure he is even aware of it.
I never wanted to be a married single mother I wanted my children to have the type of relationship and household where they felt comfortable going to either parent for comfort, help or advice. My husband works a lot he is the type of man who's joy is in providing a good life for his family. The type of man that defines himself by his work. It is one of the things he is most proud of in himself his work ethic.
He is what I would call a workaholic. He is always checking email, sending emails, taking calls and doing reports at all hours of the day and night. He loves being peoples go to guy, I just wish he had that kind of attitude with me. I wish he could be more of my go to guy. I often hear people say how their spouse is their best friend how they like hanging out with each other. I am not my husbands best friend I am his wife. It bothers me but that is just how it is, we can't be everything to everyone.
I am arguing with myself inside my head trying to understand and find answers as to why I am so unfulfilled in my life. Do I need to find a part time job outside my home to be fulfilled? Do I need to emirs myself in a book or my writing? Should I start knitting again? I don't know I really just don't know it seems as if I can not find happiness in anything and fault or complaint in everything.
I know I'm not depressed I'm just tired of living life like the movie Groundhogs Day. I know my husband can't make me happy only I can make me happy. I am a very codependent person and he is not and has never been. Perhaps I am more jealous than angry. Perhaps I should just get over it and accept my responsibilities without whining. He has his job and I have mine I NEVER hear him complain so why should he have to listen to me? I wonder if my mom ever felt this way? I wonder how many of you reading this blog will comment and say that you have felt the exact same way?
February 3, 2010
The house is clean the dog has been bathed and just as I predicted earlier the boys are no longer coughing,sneezing or blowing their stuffy noses. Everyone is feeling 50% better including me!! It was so cute when the boys got home from school I got a "WOW mommy the house looks so shinny and clean." It doesn't get any better than that.
I found this image and it's commentary made me laugh. I think dirty people are behind this lifestyle mantra.*grin* I think I will create one that says Unhealthy people was their hands.
So you just know that after reading this I spent the morning cleaning my house. I hadn't been able to vacuum in 2 weeks!! Excuse me while I dry heave over that statement. I am convinced after all the dirt my vacuum picked up that all our coughing and sinus issues will go away. I always get grossed out after vacuuming the house when for what ever reason I haven't done so for the week. It is amazing how much dog hair my darling little chihuahua Walter leaves behind. Walter is very lucky he is so darn cute but above all that he is so gosh darn well behaved.
February 1, 2010
My baby is sick, gone is his smile and the sound of his laughter. Replaced by a cough that won't go away and now we are experiencing eruptions from both ends!! You know that is ALWAYS fun. Jumping at every coughing spell trying to be fast enough to catch whatever happens to come flying out. So today I predict he will spend the day in bed watching whatever movie or television show that seems to capture his attention. Occasionally playing with his cars and I will spend the day worrying about him and begging him to eat something and questioning if I am making the right decision.
I panic some when my kids are sick especially if a fever is involved. I know it is all a part of life and most would be annoyed that their child is sick and how that throws a wrench in their day. I stress out not because I won't get things done but in my eyes that I've done something wrong. I was not paying attention, distracted by something unimportant and now because of that lack in care my child is sick.
~*BACK FROM THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE*~
Well I spent 3 and a 1/2 hours at the doctors office trying to get him seen. We ended up going to another doctors office on the other side of town where he was finally seen. He has a horrible virus and is mildly dehydrated. If he gets worse we will need to take him to Children's Hospital for IV and observation. He has had a cough for over a week and a 1/2 and caught this virus on top of the cough. I am so sad for my little guy I hope it doesn't last as long as the doctor predicted it would!!
So I am going to bust out my BIG BOTTLE of Lysol and wash all the bed linens, towels, and laundry. My home is a battlefield and this bug my baby's got is going to DOWN!!