March 2, 2010

Here We Go

Well today is the day I go back to school. My class starts late this afternoon and I am giddy with anticipation. I hope I am not the oldest person in class but if so no matter because my self esteem is going to go through the roof. I am going to prove to myself my own self worth. This is the first step in the right direction not only for me but my family. I know this isn't going to be easy but nothing worth having in life ever is.

I am taking the steps toward independence relying on myself to find my own happiness in life because no one can make you happy if you are not happy with yourself. I placed that pressure on my husband although he wasn't completely aware of it. I constantly looked to him to make me happy. For him to give me my self worth and in doing so created animosity and resentment toward him because he is independent not codependent like I am. He can go to the store by himself, he can make plans to hang out with friends and not need me there.

It made me angry and jealous that he could do that and I couldn't or wouldn't. I thought of my husband like my child thinks of his blanket, security. I couldn't go anywhere without him, well now it's time for me to be a big girl and have a life of my own. Hobbies of my own, time to find and learn who I am so I can be the person I am suppose to be in our family.

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