March 1, 2010
Rough Road Ahead
My life is under construction at the moment, my confessions of sadness and shame has caused my life to temporarily imploded. My confidence in me hangs below my knees, I am after all only qualified to scrub toilets and if fortune smiles upon me work as a cashier at my local WalMart.
For years I thought I could camouflage my truth, hide these things from my family and friends but the pressure to do so has overwhelmed me and I can no longer disguise my true self the real me. I am an uneducated 30 something housewife with 3 children. If the bottom completely fell out from under me how would I support not only myself but my children? Again the only thing I know how to do scrub toilets and or welcome people to WalMart. So it's back to school I go, back to the beginning back to basics.
I grew up in a loving home with a loving family but at age 14 my family home was devastates by cancer. My mother became ill and although she put up a good fight she died when I was 16 years old. My family was at the time of her illness in chaos and grief. She was the glue that held our family together and we rapidly fell apart at the seams. I am the youngest in my family the gap between my siblings and I is very vast and well I was most defiantly NOT a planned pregnancy. No one spreads their children out 10 and 11 years apart. When my mother died all of my siblings were married with families of their own. I was just a sophomore in high school and as some of you may know high school is hard enough without a devastating loss in your family.
At the end of her life my mother never pulled me aside to say to me make sure you can take care of yourself before you start taking care of your husband and children neither did my father or siblings. She pulled me aside to give me her rings to remember her by. So I ran with the wrong crowd got into abusive relationships and dropped out of high school. I ended up waiting for my prince charming to rescue me instead of me rescuing myself. Now I hope with all that I am that I am not coming across as blaming my family for my bad choices in life because that is not the case. We were all grieving my mothers loss. I am only making the statement that I had a get a job and it's your life kind of guidance not a have you considered this or a career in that kind of guidance. None of us kids did so now I am fixing my past mistakes. Now I have to start back at square one and hope my own family will still be intact as I find myself under construction.