May 30, 2009


It is amazing how 1 little pill a day can drastically effect your life in such a positive way. Gone is my Dr.Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde attitude replaced by a reasonable see things for what they really are mentality and react and respond accordingly to that situation. I guess I can only describe my feelings as this, it feels like that moment in the Wizard of Oz when Dorthy opens the door and then COLOR. My life has color in it again, so long I have lived in gray that now when I see the color of my life I surrender to it with peace and tranquility. I still need things to be clean I still watch my kids and make sure they are safe, alive, happy, breathing, but now when I do those things they are not followed by panic attacks. I still obsess but I feel in control of myself, my actions, my feelings, my life.

Another thing I find very interesting it could be a coincidence but my opinion is that it is not a coincidence but a direct reflection of my past and my present state of mind. One of my boys has had a bed wetting problem for a number of years since taking my medication to control my obsessions and anxiety his bed wetting has completely stopped. I believe I caused so much stress in his life that he used to wet his bed every night as a way to cope with the pressure or show that the pressure of constantly trying to be prefect was too much for him to handle. Also my oldest son Ethan used to have 2 styes in one of his eyes for a few months the doctor told us he would most likely have to surgically remove the styes. Since my change both styes have completely disappeared. They are doing better in school and my relationship with all of my boys has completely changed for the better I am starting to be the mom I always wanted to be.

I can not accept that all of these changes in our lives are simply a coincidence. I damaged my children by constantly striving to have them live in perfection. To constantly obsess over perfection, germs, and their health and well being in a completely unhealthy way has forced me to recognize that one of my children suffers from anxiety and I am to blame. I am doing everything possible to stop his anxiety from spiraling out of control. I am so grateful that all is not lost and I have been given the chance to redeem myself as their mother, an opportunity in my life I refuse to miss.

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