August 18, 2009

If You Love Them You Will Let Them Go

Well when I left you last I was in a panic over leaving my boys with my sister for 2 hours and well the evening was a great success!! My babies had a wonderful time with my sister and I was able to enjoy a delicious dinner with my hubby. I took your suggestions to heart and talked up the fun my boys were going to have with my sister Teresa. By the time we arrived at my sisters house both my boys and I were ready to enjoy our evenings. I had such a wonderful time, I think as a stay at home mom I need to accept that just because I want to have some adult time that does not mean I am a bad or selfish mother. It only means I need to fulfill my needs too to be a better mother.

This outing could not have come at a better time my boys have gone back to school and I am having a hard time letting go of my blue eyed boy,my middle son. I will no longer be having lunch with my little man, he is a big boy now and he will be in school all day. They are growing up so fast too fast and I am not dealing with it very well. I have had many people say to me "Oh Erika you must be so excited to be getting rid of 2 boys and only having 1 to deal with at home." Well truth be told I am not happy to only have 1 baby at home. I love spending time with my boys and having them home.I don't want to be without them when I think of the situation I think "oh no I only have 1 left!" I feel shameful that when people have asked me about my excitement that I wasn't truthful; that I said "Yeah I am excited to have 2 of my boys in school all day." I go along with the other persons excitement about the situation not my own.

I am excited that they love their school and that they are excited that school has started up again. I am so blessed that my kids love to learn and that they think learning is fun and cool. I'm going to stop saying that I am excited to be without my kids all day, it is a lie and I think very disrespectful to my kids. I am working hard on letting go letting them be a little more independent but my fear of my children being abducted or harmed is great. I have been having trouble sleeping and having horrible thoughts run through my head again. School has only been back in session for 2 days now!! I know the answer is to face my fears and give them room. If I keep on this path my children will either become fearful and suffer from anxiety themselves (as my middle child already does) or they will be resentful of me which neither scenario is acceptable to me. So I'm gonna have to trust my parenting and my kids. I'm going to have to loosen up and enjoy this ride because before I know it their childhood will be over and I don't want to look back and say I wish I had enjoyed them more and worried less.

1 comment:

  1. Good to hear that the evening went well for all of you!