February 4, 2010
Where'd You Go?
I am full of resentment, bitterness, and anger. I have been struggling with being able to define my feelings, to be able to verbalize this type of unhappiness and anger. I now can explain and define why I am angry and unhappy, I am unhappy because I am a married single mother.
I have a traditional marriage, traditional in Daddy goes to work and Mommy stays home and takes care of the kids and the house. That part I like I don't mind. What bothers me is that the kids totally bypass dad to ask me a question. As if he is not even in the room or the house. What bothers me more is that my husband is not bothered by it and I am not 100% sure he is even aware of it.
I never wanted to be a married single mother I wanted my children to have the type of relationship and household where they felt comfortable going to either parent for comfort, help or advice. My husband works a lot he is the type of man who's joy is in providing a good life for his family. The type of man that defines himself by his work. It is one of the things he is most proud of in himself his work ethic.
He is what I would call a workaholic. He is always checking email, sending emails, taking calls and doing reports at all hours of the day and night. He loves being peoples go to guy, I just wish he had that kind of attitude with me. I wish he could be more of my go to guy. I often hear people say how their spouse is their best friend how they like hanging out with each other. I am not my husbands best friend I am his wife. It bothers me but that is just how it is, we can't be everything to everyone.
I am arguing with myself inside my head trying to understand and find answers as to why I am so unfulfilled in my life. Do I need to find a part time job outside my home to be fulfilled? Do I need to emirs myself in a book or my writing? Should I start knitting again? I don't know I really just don't know it seems as if I can not find happiness in anything and fault or complaint in everything.
I know I'm not depressed I'm just tired of living life like the movie Groundhogs Day. I know my husband can't make me happy only I can make me happy. I am a very codependent person and he is not and has never been. Perhaps I am more jealous than angry. Perhaps I should just get over it and accept my responsibilities without whining. He has his job and I have mine I NEVER hear him complain so why should he have to listen to me? I wonder if my mom ever felt this way? I wonder how many of you reading this blog will comment and say that you have felt the exact same way?