The Mothers Gasp

I have been without medication for 30 days now(insurance issues) and so far I have been handling myself well. I do check the locks more often now than I previously had and am a little on edge over my children's safety but to me that is normal. Last month my youngest son injured himself at a friends house and ever since then I have become more anxious and overprotective of them, if that is even possible but I guess where there is anxiety there is a way.

We were swimming in our friends pool, my little guy is a fish, where there is water you will find my baby splashing. My littlest pumpkin was playing on the large reef step when disaster struck. My baby got excited tried to run and tripped in the water impaling himself on the rocky edge of the pool! The gashon his forehead was deep and the blood flowed quickly. It took 2 stitches to close the wound, 4 was needed but only 2 were tolerated. Now my baby bares an ugly scar to remind me that I wasn't quick enough to catch him when he fell that day. (Failure)

So I now suffer from the mothers gasp, you know the sound that annoys every father, relative, and non~parent within earshot of you. He trips, GASP! He runs ahead of me, GASP!

for every little thing GASP! GASP! GASP! Now everything and anything my kids do is followed by the gasp.Then I get upset with them for scaring me and making me worry. As if they are even aware of my feelings or emotions. They are just children enjoying themselves enjoying their day all they want to do is play they are not aware of the stress and worry I have. They only become aware of it when I yell at them for no real or valid reason.

Also a small observation I noticed about myself, I organize my dirty dishes. If for some God awful reason I cannot do my dishes I stack,straighten, and organize them for the next day. It is rare for it to happens but on a few occasions I have noticed that I have a tendency to organize what most would leave piled. Also just curious does anyone else wash their hands after making their family members beds? Or have a preference to a bathroom in your home? I do, my master bathroom is the only bathroom I feel comfortable using and I hate it when my kids use it or anyone else for that matter that isn't my husband ofcourse. Oh God please let their be other people out there like me in this world, don't let me be the only one who does these things!!Anyway my baby is fine now he just has a scar that reminds me of the moment that I wasn't there to save him.

What A Trip

So I recently went on a trip to Washington State to visit my brother and sister in~law. It was an adults only trip and it was in one word WONDERFUL!! I left my heart in Washington State!! What a beautiful state so lush and green, I had never seen anything like it. I did have mini panic attacks followed by bad dreams. The panic attacks were of course over the safety of my children. They were being watched by both my sister and my father and mother~in~law. Not that I don't trust them I mean I have panic attacks over my kids if my husband takes them somewhere without me.

I kept wondering if they (my children) were being allowed to go into public restrooms alone or if they were being made to hold an adults hand in the store? Were the downstairs windows of my home locked? As I suspected all was well and my children were spoiled by their grandparents as always. Also can anyone explain to me why the airport food court is allowed to get so filthy? I'm sure that there were several health code standards that were being violated and the fact that travelers would sit down at filthy dirty tables and eat their food was simply disgusting!! I had to fight back the dry heaves, people can be so reckless in public areas about their health. What really got me was the idea that these were the same people I was most likely going to be traveling with on the airplane and on that airplane I would be breathing in their recycled air!!

I was lucky in that the airline we used had leather seats, in my mind at least leather seats are more hygienic because they can be wiped down and disinfected and you don't have to sit in the previous travelers dander. So good news there also I was very proud of myself for only slightly freaking out over flying. I only had feelings of dread and doom for about 30 to 45 min of the 2 1/2 hour flight I am terrified of flying and also of heights.

Like I said Washington was beautiful and I had a blast I got crazy wild in Washington. For dinner the first night I had a little less than half of a sangria that I ordered and the next night at dinner I had not 1 but 2 cocktails and I finished them!! However the night we returned home I was unable to sleep even though I was completely tired. We arrived home shortly after midnight and I immediately started cleaning the house until my hubby made me stop but I just laid there in bed feeling antsy, I wanted to clean.

My house was not dirty but I hadn't personally cleaned it in 3 days. It took me 3 days to clean my house and feel confident in how clean it was. I struggled, I didn't feel like it was clean no matter what I did it just wasn't clean. I was obsessing over the counters, the floors, the carpet, the dishes, it was all filthy because everyone had touched it but me. Usually I have no issues with my family members dander or handling my things but this time everything was contaminated and I felt out of control with my surroundings I needed to feel like my perfect little bubble that I live in was perfect again. Thank goodness for me all is well and I am in control of my feelings and surroundings again.

I Thought You Loved Me What A Bunch Of Bologna!!

My dearest sister Elba who in previous blogs I had mentioned I regarded as my best friend is doing my family and myself a huge favor by pet sitting our beloved chihuahua Walter while we are out of town. Being the loving and generously devoted sister that I am I phoned Elba yesterday to ask her if there was anything in particular that she wanted me to have for her in the house with regards to food to make her stay more enjoyable, and without warning or being provoked in any way she raised her dagger and plunged it deep into the pit of my stomach. She asked me to buy her some Bologna!! GASP!! The horror, the pain, a reckless betrayal from one sister to another!!! WHY ?ELBA WHY?!? BOLOGNA!!

I was instantly enraged and reminded my sweet darling sister of my intense disdain for this so called meat product.

"Elba you know how I feel about Bologna and that I don't allow it in my house or the presence of my children" I scolded.

This betrayal cut me so deeply because she knows that these feelings stem from childhood. I mean I trust her to care for my children for God's sake!! My world has been turned upside down, I feel so alone. As you might have guessed I don't particularly like Bologna, my mother used to make it for me everyday as my school lunch. While the other "loved" children either bought their lunch or enjoyed their PB&J's with their juice bags,chocolate chip cookies, and pudding that their mothers so lovingly prepared for them I had to suffer through a hot Bologna sandwich with imitation cheese on white wonder bread. Every bite sticking to the roof of my mouth. I remember having to use my fingers to scrape it off the roof of my mouth and with every bite I endured my anger and frustration would grow.

Bologna,Bologna, I hate Bologna!! I just hope that my relationship with my sister isn't irrevocably broken and that she enjoyed reading this blog as much as I enjoyed writing it. Read it or not this is my life and Bologna has the power to set me off.

A Vacation With Dust Mites

So this coming weekend my family and I are going on a mini family vacation and spending a few days in a cabin/house in the beautiful town of Big Bear. Sounds fun right? WRONG!! Well kind of fun you see this cabin/house belongs to a very special and dear family friend of my father~in~law. His friend Billy who lives out of state allows my father~in~law to use the cabin whenever he likes and it has become a tradition for us to go and spend a few days together in Big Bear. I know that not very many people have the opportunity to enjoy someone else's vacation home free of charge, I know that this is a blessing and a wonderful experience for my kids but where it isn't a blessing is when a dust mite clean freak such as myself walks into the stale air of the closed up house, my guess since Christmas and immediately wonders when the floors where vacuumed last? When were the bathrooms cleaned last? How many other families has Billy opened his winter vacation home to? Did anyone clean the couch and chairs? Who else sat on this furniture?

Now of course you know I am bringing my own linens, pillows, towels,etc... now as I stated earlier my in~laws will also be with us which is absolutely wonderful because I adore them but they have no idea that I suffer from O.C.D (CLIMAX) DUN DUN DAAAH!! Like most in my family they don't see anything wrong with the fact that my house is so clean they just think I am a good wife and mother because my house is so clean. They don't know my cleanliness is brought on by anxiety of germs, dust mites, peoples shedding dead skin cells, possible intruder abduction( if my house is super clean then the police will find finger prints) and my newest obsession Black Widows.

Yes Black Widows!! We have seen a spike in the number of people getting bit this year and my children have had close encounters with these hideous little arachnids. My baby could have easily been bitten by one the other day when we were out back playing. I noticed a web in his little push car and found it was unusually sticky I had a feeling of dread and panic I pulled my baby out of his car and had my hubby inspect the car and there it was a HUGE black widow right by where his little legs were. The spider was about the size of a quarter and I just know there is a chance that there might be one inside Billy's vacation house. Also I just want to say birds are filthy little pets to have and those Topsy Turby tomato growers bring rats so my advice is to avoid the allure of the purchase. Well this weekend is coming with or without my anxiety and I am going to go and enjoy my family while on alert for spiders.

She's That Friend

Yesterday I was so out of my element it was not even funny. My darling hubby is camping with our oldest, my middle man ol' blue eyes himself was spending the night with Grandma and Pop which left me with 1 child, the baby.

Can you say Hallelujah!! Hallelujah!! Thank you sweet little baby Jesus!!

I cleaned the house from top to bottom washed, folded, and put away every ones laundry vacuumed, mopped, swept, you name it I did it and I enjoyed every minute of it when I wasn't feeling guilty for enjoying it so much. I even got a surprise visit from my sister Elba, she is my very best friend but the thing about Elba is that everyone feels that way about her. She is that friend we all have in our lives that the moment something happens good or bad you call her. She is that friend who you haven't known for very long but you feel like you've known each other all your life, yep that's Elba.

Elba is the only person who really gets me and doesn't judge me. (to harshly) wink,wink. She gets my sense of humor and likes it!! I mean Elba doesn't question me about why I have to touch the locks on the doors when I check them, she just accepts that I have to. Or why I don't take my kids to public parks by busy streets she just agrees to go to the park I suggest. She doesn't even bat an eyelash when I say the kids that work at In N Out burger are like Stepford Kids or Aliens!! Seriously has anyone ever know someone who actually worked there? Your order is never wrong, the food is always delicious, the workers are always happy and you NEVER EVER see a worker leave or arrive to work FREAKY!!!

I'm just saying Elba allows me to be me and I do the same for her. Anyways yesterday was a great day it was a little rough at night because surprise,surprise I couldn't sleep but all in all I enjoyed my Sunday. I'd like to give a special thanks to Jason for bring the In N Out thing to my attention and giving me one more thing to obsess about. (jajajaja) The photo above is my sister Elba with my boys and as I'm sure you have figured out the photo was taken on Halloween.

The County Fair

I know it has been awhile since I have written sorry for that I have been a busy bee this summer taking my kids all over creation like to buffets and county fairs exposing them to millions of germs all in the name of fun. As I stated before I took my kids to the annual county fair for a day of family fun and memories and as we took in the sights I was absolutely amazed at how people who were also visiting the fair did not consider their health or the health of their children for that matter. Now I am not talking about the deep fried food and delicious treats like fudge and cinnamon rolls covered in so much icing that you momentarily worry about eating it and taking the chance that it might be your downfall for the day. I am a huge HUGE fan of sweets and deep fried food, no I am talking about all the germs your hands pick up and how unaware and/or unconcerned people are about these contaminants.

Walking through the halls of vender's I see people picking up merchandise and eating all at the same time!! How does it not cross their minds that hundreds upon thousands of people have gone through these halls before us and have most likely picked up those same items. What if that person before you is not feeling 100%? What if they didn't wash their hands properly? Seriously am I the only one who thinks this way? In the children's area where I took my children to ride the carnival rides appropriate for them I did not see one single parent with hand sanitizer or wipes. No parents just allowed their children to hop from one ride to the next buying them goodies and treats without a care in the world, SHOCKING!!!

I highly doubt that the carnival operators have public health on their minds when operating these rides. If I thought my husband would not object I would take a few cans of Lysol and spray everything before my kids sat on it or touch it. Above all of this the worst and I do mean the WORST thing that I saw and I see it EVERY year is the vendor who sells the Temperpedic mattresses at the fair!!! This sicko invites everyone he sees to lay down and try out his mattress. It's like no thank you mattress man I don't want to lie down on your dead human skin particles, dust mites infested contaminated mattress!! He is ever so generous to not only invite you to lay down on dead skin and dust mites but he offers you a pillow to go with it.

How can people be so reckless with their health.I mean I doubt these same people would lie down on a pillow and mattress they found on the street.I guess because it is at the county fair it's okay but my thing is what if the person who laid down before you has dandruff or worse lice!! Anyway I took my kids and my sanitizer and had a good time despite being surrounded by thousands of reckless germ vestals. I would also like to say thank you to everyone for leaving me such encouraging comments and advice. Thank you for listening to me and reading my blog.

Slightly Disturbing

I am truly putting myself out there for everyone to see with this entry. While folding the laundry alone in my bedroom the other day I discovered something slightly disturbing about myself. I talk to myself, now I don't mean I talk to myself in a to do list kind of way I mean I have full on imaginary conversations with myself!! These imaginary conversations can invoke me to feel anger, frustration, happiness, sadness, etc...

I was completely startled by this and yet was aware enough of the behavior to know I have been doing this for years. I couldn't tell you what the conversation was about but I know I was having one. Then I thought am I so deprived of adult contact/conversation or outside contact for that matter that I actually carry on full on conversations with myself!! I started to reflect back on my childhood wondering, searching for the memory of when this habit began and as I suspected it was a habit I have always had. As a child I even remember feelings of anxiety of being watched. Out of the corner of my eye I would always see someone looking at me peeking around the corner at me when I was watching TV and every time I would try to catch a glimpse that shadow figure/silhouette it would be gone. After awhile I would get frustrated and yell out "Stop peeking at me, leave me alone!"

I keep thinking I'm not sick but I'm not well this all can change it can be made better I can be better. I have to go see the doctor again so we can discus my medications and whether or not I want to continue with the process of using medication to deal with my compulsions, obsessions, anxieties. I have not had any medication in 6 days now and I have very quickly lost control of my ability and capability to see thing for what they really are and react accordingly, I have become the screaming mom again. I of course will continue with my medications because clearly in my case they work. I can't go back to the way I was I can't do that to my husband or my kids they deserve better than that, they deserve the best of me.

I will tell you what I won't do I WILL NOT take my doctor up on her referral to go see a councilor and do the whole behavioral therapy thing. I have seen a few episodes of that new A&E series Obsessed where they document people with OCD and the behavioral therapy they go through let me just say this that show gives me anxiety!! No way will I go through that, they purposely ( the licensed therapist) make you confront the thing that sets you off in the first place just writing about what they do literally gave me the chills. There is no way, I will happily take my meds and call it good thank you very much! For anyone out there doing the behavior therapy you have my respect. I hope I still have yours because I'm very nervous about my admissions of my simply ordinary OCD life.