June 15, 2010
Wait I Wasn't Ready!!!
Yesterday was really hard day for me and around 10:30 last night I couldn't take it anymore and I had a major anxiety attack!! I was certain that the dangerous, harmful, whatever it is, was outside my house. Circling, looming, just waiting to destroy my life. It was going to penetrate through and shatter my life and my families sense of security. All the rituals that I do to protect my family were not going to be able to protect us or help us.
I have a lot of changes going on in my life and I don't know exactly where I stand. Relationships are changing, my children are growing up very quickly and I am having trouble with that. My baby isn't a baby anymore. He started preschool, a second choice preschool. A if we have to we can enroll him there preschool, not our first choice but finances played a huge part in our decision, unfortunately.
This next school year will be my oldest sons last year of elementary school. It hurts, I just can't take it. Life gets so busy and with three kids things get so incredibly hectic and you don't notice how quickly the sand is running through your children's hourglass and their youth is passing you by and by the time you notice and shout TIME OUT... GIVE ME A LITTLE MORE TIME!!! You're simply to late and all you can do is pray you'll pay better attention as the sand starts to run down again.
If I had one wish it would be to let me go back and relive that time, those moments, those memories again. Let me breath in the scent of my new born babies, let me rock them to sleep in my arms, let me watch them take their first steps again.Enjoy those big toothless grins just one more time, if I had one wish I know what it would be, but really all I can do all I can say is "Wait I wasn't ready!!"