April 17, 2009

I'm not crazy I just have OCD

* The Visit

As I sat in my doctors office crying going through my long list of things that give me anxiety and all the things I obsess about, inside I was dieing. Secretly praying that my confession would not result in Child Protective Services coming to my home to remove my children from their crazy mother. As I continued down the list my doctors eyes got bigger, her hands frantically trying to keep up with her dictation of thought. I thought maybe she should have worked on her shorthand more in medical school.

After my purge of information I sat on the patients table staring at her, as she said nothing but continued with her notes. My baby sat in his stroller playing with the toy cars I had brought for him in the corner of the room. Finally she spoke "Okay well, you definitely have Anxiety, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and PMDD. You shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed these are very common conditions" then she left the room.

I thought to myself she's just saying that to make me feel better. My doctor left the room for what seemed like an eternity. I just knew she was standing outside the door calling the nut house saying "I got a pick up for you."

Well to my surprise the padded car never came. As I left the doctors office with my fist full of prescriptions to fill I felt somewhat relieved but there was one referral that had me uneasy. I was to see a councillor for Anxiety/OCD/PMDD. I couldn't stop looking at the referral, it became like one of those painting with the eyes that follow you around the room. ANXIETY/OCD/PMDD.

I mean I was relieved that I wasn't really crazy but upset that there was something wrong with me, that I was diagnosed. So I did the only thing I could do, I did what any women would do in a situation like this, I called my sister!

* The Phone Call

As I walked to the school to pick up my son from kindergarten I called the only person I could trust with the news of how fucked up I really am, my sister Elba. The phone call went like this...

Elba: "Hey what are you doing?"

Me: "Going to pick up S*** from school."

Elba: "I saw you called what's going on?"

Me:"Elba I am totally fucked up!"

Elba: "Why what happened? What did you do now?"

Me:"I went to the doctors today cause I can't control my anxiety anymore and I've been having panic attacks. Well the doctor says I have Anxiety/OCD/ PMDD."

Elba: "What's PMDD?"

Me:"It's like PMS only on steroids. The week before I start my period my anxiety goes through the roof and I get really angry and frustrated with the kids if things aren't perfect around the house."

Elba: "Well it's good that your doing something about it and that you recognize that there is a problem."

Me: "But Elba she said I have OCD!"

Elba: (prolonged silence followed by hysterical laughter)

Me: "Are you laughing? Are you laughing at me? What is so funny?" *anger*

Elba:"You! Okay Mrs. Light Switch!! You are seriously surprised that she said you are obsessive -compulsive? Seriously!! Look at your house, look at your light switches.

Me: (prolonged silence followed by a slight giggle) "Oh my God I forgot about the light switches."

* The Light Switches

In my home all the light switches must be uniform, all going in the same direction on the face plate. If they are not uniform I feel like my house looks messy, dirty, and uncared for.

* Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)-Symptoms

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a chronic or long term illness,and without treatment, symptoms typically come and go over time and may significantly interfere with your ability to work and have a family. Treatment can reduce the severity of the illness. And although some symptoms may linger after treatment, you should be able to have an active social life, raise a family, and work.

Anxiety is the most prominent symptom of OCD. For example you may have an overall sense that something terrible will happen if you don't follow through with a particular ritual, such as repeatedly checking to see whether the doors are locked. If you don't perform the ritual, you may have immediate anxiety or a nagging sense of incompleteness.

* Zoloft

I personally suffer from various obsessive behaviors and thoughts. I have been prescribed Zoloft and am feeling torn over taking this medication. OCD has been my constant companion all these years. Now is my chance to break away and like a brainwashed prisoner I find myself saying it's not wrong it's not so bad. I have associated my anxiety & OCD with love. If the Zoloft stops me from doing these things how will my husband and kids know that I love them?


  1. It runs in the family...err, not by blood but by marriage. Mike is the same way except its coupled with chronic laziness. Ha! So *I* have to fix all the stuff that drives *him* crazy. If I leave a book out on a table...STOP THE CRAZY TRAIN...we can't go to bed until it's put away. As I grow in my ability to throw a good tantrum he grows in his ability to let the little stuff go.
    Do you Fly? www.flylady.net
    It might help you to keep order to the cleaning, everything will get done, but you will not be cleaning as much because everything is cyclical. I don't know...check it out though.
    xoxo Caroline

  2. I always thought the anxiety I felt meant I cared alot. When I took meds and so much of my sense of urgency I thought that meant I didn't care anymore. I couldn't believe it was considered "normal" to feel so indifferent to everything. My obsessions and compulsions were proof of my care and concern for everyone, including myself.

  3. WOW! My friend posted a link to your blog on Facebook and while reading through it, I seriously thought I was reading about myself! Almost every anxiety you have, I go through on a daily basis. I told my husband I think I have OCD, but he doesnt really listen to me...and when I am PMS'ing? FORGET IT! I lock myself in the house for days on end because I am such a lunatic! Maybe I should follow suit and go see a doctor!